Utica, NY: More Fences than Yards

Flash forward to this mayoral election in the fall, and help me come up with some headlines for the article on the results.

Tim Julian (R) is the incumbent, and he's running against Frank Meola (D). The rap sheets:

•In 1995, state police charged Julian with felony criminal possession of stolen property while investigating two men who were selling stolen tools. Julian eventually pleaded down to a violation - the equivalent of a parking ticket - and paid a $250 fine.

As a violation, the file on the case is closed by statute. Julian said he didn't know the tools were stolen.

•In 2000, Meola and 25 other people were identified as participating in a Utica-based shoplifting ring that authorities said fenced more than $35 million worth of retail goods from stores in an 11-county area. Meola pleaded guilty to fourth-degree conspiracy, a felony.

Here are some possible headlines for November:

Headline: Julian Steals the Mayoral Seat
Subhead: Meola Wins Election

Headline: Meola Runs Away With Election Results
Subhead: Police Subdue New Utica Mayor After 10-Block Chase

Headline: Accusers Claim Meola Bought Mayor's Post
Subhead: Critics Insist Position Was Not Julian's to Sell

One thing is certain: If you're ever visiting Utica and you're looking for a good deal on some power tools, forget checking the Chamber of Commerce for recommendations; just drop by City Hall. They've got everything you need, alright? They'll set you up real nice, don't you worry. As long as you brought cash. Always carry cash when you're doing business in Utica, my friend. So just wait out by the dumpster for the Mayor, and don't do nothing stupid, OK?