MMQB's out for Summer

If this week’s MMQB is titled “New School Meets Old School,” does PK = pre-K? He does give us a “head start” on the NFL.

Sitting in new coach Mike Tomlin's office the other day, I got the impression he will be about as meat-and-potatoes as any other coach in football. On the wall of his office are three blown-up Steelers prints.

One is an artsy, tight line-of-scrimmage shot from the 2006 preseason, with Vikings helmets butting up against Steelers helmets. "Beautiful,'' Tomlin said.

Two: Guard Alan Faneca is pulling on an end sweep, with tight end Jerame Tuman sealing off another block. "Power football,'' Tomlin said. "That's beautiful."

John Ruskin said, “Beauty deprived of its proper foils and adjuncts ceases to be enjoyed as beauty, just as light deprived of all shadows ceases to be enjoyed as light,” so let’s get to the foil of this Faneca beauty:

Tomlin on the Faneca contract issues/distraction/holdout-potential: "You know how that stuff is. Contracts are emotional deals. It's going on in every city in the NFL. It's reality. If guys want to enjoy the fruits of free agency, they've got to get to the market.''

Yep, I know how that stuff is ‘cause I know how it is (we’re supposed to be speaking in tautologies, right?)

Faneca has one year left on a contract due to pay him $3.375 million, with a $1 million roster bonus. That's $4.4 million, in essence, for the second-best guard in football, next to Steve Hutchinson. It looks like the Steelers have no intention of paying him in the range of the $7 million-a-year deals of Hutchinson, Eric Steinbach and Derrick Dockery. Faneca's furious about it. But Tomlin expects him to be a pro, and to come to training camp ready to play.

3.375 + 1 = 4.4?

I think Faneca will, but it could get ugly. And the city of Pittsburgh will have no pity on him because it's not the kind of town to ever feel sorry for a guy on its beloved team making $4.4 million, no matter what anyone else is making.

People say stuff like this a lot, but are we meant to side with the people of Pittsburgh or with Faneca, who’s working, presumably, at less than 65% market value? Someone must have written a book about the crazy cognitive dissonance of the modern sports fan who both loves and hates professional athletes.

"Right now, it's hard to be optimistic. I'm not getting any younger and I think everyone knows that. I don't have five years to rebuild. No one in Green Bay is saying rebuild, but it's hard to look at where we are going and say, 'How can they not be rebuilding?' ''

--Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre, in Sunday's Biloxi (Miss.) Sun-Herald, still fried that the Packers did not acquire Randy Moss on draft day.

Will someone please tell Brett that he is most certainly part of the problem in Green Bay? Anyone? Surely some employee of the Green Bay Press-Gazette or some paper near Brett’s hometown of Kiln, MS (which may be the Sun-Herald—it covers a good chunk of Mississippi’s gulf coast) is on his or her way out the door and out of the business. Can’t we find a disgruntled intern or something?

"He told me some things and he was pretty bold and said exactly what he needed to say. I heard him out clearly and I know he means business and I have to respect that. I have to respect the organization. They gave me a chance to play in this league.''

-- Atlanta quarterback Michael Vick, on the talking-to he got from Falcons owner Arthur Blank, following revelations that emaciated dogs -- dogs that may have been trained to fight other dogs -- had been found on Vick's property in Virginia.

Just “a chance”? Between all the bullshit off the field and a career punctuated by dazzling runs and lousy passes, I count more like 37 chances (+/- 3%--my study has a 95% confidence interval).

And here is PK again with the circumspection about what the dogs may have been doing. Criminals of the world, make sure that Peter King is called to jury duty when your time comes.

"It boggles the entire mind. It was stunning to all of us.''

-- Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell, an Eagles season-ticket holder, to Bloomberg Television, on the team using its first draft choice in April to select University of Houston quarterback Kevin Kolb. Rendell was outspoken eight years ago against the Eagles' picking McNabb, saying they should have chosen Ricky Williams. Now he's upset the team has chosen a player to compete for McNabb's job.

I hope, for the sake of Rendell’s involuntary bodily functions, that it boggled the medulla oblongata and pons only briefly. And I’m not going to look, but I can’t possibly imagine that Rendell was the only person who wanted the Eagles to draft Ricky Williams. McNabb’s pick is the most famously booed draft pick in history (at least if we’re to determine “most famous” by “most times played during ESPN’s draft coverage”).

"I think we are going to rue the day we didn't pick him.''

-- Rendell, to Bloomberg, on the Eagles' bypassing USC receiver Dwayne Jarrett to pick Kolb.

Here's my question about Rendell: Why doesn't he just buy the damn team from Jeff Lurie and go make the picks himself?

I’ll just defer to JLD on this one: As my response, I quote from the Millersville U. student paper: "Pennsylvania Governor Edward G. Rendell only makes $164,396 a year, almost $26,000 less than McNairy and $67,000 less than Atwater." (McNairy being one Francine McNairy, President of Millersville, and Atwater being Tony Atwater, President of Indiana University of Pennsylvania (not to be confused with the Indiana University of Indiana (or frankly, Indiana University-Purdue University Fort Wayne (IUPUFW)).
http://www.thesnapper.com/index.php?page=articles&article_id=1922606

Now, $160K is nothing to sneeze at, but as far as I can tell, Rendell has been in politics or prosecution his whole career, and 6 years of a governor's salary ain't putting you in the sports franchise ownership echelon of the wealthy. Not even Arena Football ownership, frankly. You've got to be Jon Bon Jovi to get there.

HPP again: That was too easy. Also, Dwayne Jarrett was really good in college, and Keyshawn Johnson sure as hell wishes that the Eagles took him.

"I want to hear that nice, soft, poof. I don't want to hear that 'whack' at the palm of the hand. He made some nice catches. He has got good hands. I was up at the other end listening to ... usually I like to listen. You can listen and tell a lot about a guy catching the ball. He sounded good.''

-- New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin, after watching second-round wideout Steve Smith catch the ball during a mini-camp practice on Saturday.

Tom Coughlin and Stephen Dedalus, famed appreciators of the ineluctable modality of the audible, especially as it relates to ball sports. Right now, I’m imagining Tom Coughlin walking on a beach with his eyes closed. Or forcing Steve Smith to wash and wax all his cars and paint his fence.

Stat of the Week

It's hard to argue with a judge's ruling in New York last week that allowed Comcast to put the NFL Network on a pay tier. (And believe me, I'm no fan of Comcast. I jettisoned the cable company for the Dish in March.) The NFL will appeal the New York Supreme Court's ruling that Comcast can place the NFL channel with like channels on a level of pay service.

These numbers are not exact, but I am told they are close. In New York, Comcast can put the NFL Network on a pay level that will charge consumers about $5 or $6 per month for specialized sports channels. Had the network been put on a basic cable tier, it would have raised the bill for all consumers by about 75 cents a month. The ruling seems fair. The people who really want the channel -- and the late season Thursday night football games it provides -- can now pay for it, and the people who don't want the channel will not have their basic cable bill jacked up by nearly $10 a year.

Readers, have any of you ever met someone so obsessed with cable prices? Also, note that this stat of the week has no “stats” until the second paragraph and that said “stats” are approximations recounted from hearsay. And, though maybe I’m reaching here, is this yet another instance in which GE >> pk? I don’t exactly know what NBC’s stance on this should be, but it must have one.

A/ETNotW

Five quick observations about the 740-mile round-trip jaunt from New Jersey to the Steel City to cover Tomlin for a story in this week's Sports Illustrated:

1. Satellite radio and cell phones have totally changed car trips. On the way to Pittsburgh last Tuesday, I had a static-free, 40-minute, hands-free chat with Brad Childress about his former defensive coordinator, Tomlin. I also had two chats with NFL front-office people about league affairs, and listened to Sirius NFL Radio and ESPN radio for long stretches. You leave home when you please, you get off the road when you please, you inject coffee into your veins when you please.

Hang up and drive, Peter! Also, you inject coffee into your veins when you please, or maybe you could just start freebasing powdered beans.

2. Number of Starbucks on the Pennsylvania Turnpike while going west from Harrisburg to Pittsburgh: three. Starbucks on the Turnpike going back east: three.

I’ll assume that one can’t cross the turnpike on an exit and that this symmetry really exists, but what’s the point? And did PK stop at each Starbucks?

3. The tobacco companies must love Pittsburgh. Walking downtown on Thursday morning near the Westin Hotel, I passed three or four posses of smokers outside tall buildings ... many more than I see in Manhattan in a three-block swath.

Tax on a pack of smokes in PA: $1.35. Tax on a pack of smokes in NYC: $3.00.

4. Workout room at the Pittsburgh Westin: $9 per visit. Look, take away all but one or two of the TVs and the too-loud Richard Simmons-soundalike fellow doing aerobics. All we want in a workout room on the road is a few stepmills, some treadmills and elliptical trainers. Can't you give us that without charging us?

That does sound shitty enough to be actually aggravating. Good one, PK.

5. Saw three innings of a Harrisburg Senators game. Funeral. They're 8-24, and judging by my brief snapshot, they might finish 8-130.

Based on my ability to use ratios, I’ll predict a finish of 34-104. And how exactly does Funeral work as its own sentence here? Someone gave a eulogy? The atmosphere at the game was funereal? The Senators were buried/cremated/shot out of Hunter S. Thompson’s cannon/lost in rocket wreckage with the ashes of James Doohan?

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

The Steelers cut backup linebacker Ricky Seigler last Thursday, just before the Las Vegas police arrested him for allegedly running a prostitution ring.

Here’s a factoid that may interest Ricky Seigler: which employee of the Steelers dropped a dime on him. Maybe Mike Tomlin can put up one of the chalk court illustrations in his office. Beautiful.

But not as beautiful as the Think-I-Thinks.

1. I think this is what you should know about Ricky Williams: No matter what test he passes, no matter which shrink recommends to Roger Goodell that he's OK to play football again, Williams will never suit up for a Cam Cameron football team. I know Cameron, and he is very big on personal accountability to the team.

How can anyone argue that putting Williams on the Dolphins -- and relying on him -- would be a good idea? No one has a clue if he'd be around two days or two seasons.

Will any major sportswriter ever just say that the NFL’s obsession with marijuana is ridiculous?

2. I think these are the other things you should know about Williams, and if you're a Dolphins fan, these things should tell you to give up on the guy: He turns 30 this year, which is the other side of the hill for most backs. He's had two 85-yard-plus games since Christmas Day 2003. And come Wednesday, it will be 500 days (71 weeks and three days) since he touched a football in an NFL game. It's over, people.

What’s the other side of the hill for quarterbacks who used to be addicted to pain killers?

3. I think there is some must-see TV tonight at 10 on HBO's Real Sports show. On Sunday, I read a transcript of Bernard Goldberg's piece on concussions, brain damage and dementia among retired football players, and the story is chilling. If nothing else, the story has a mountain of circumstantial evidence that should cause every NFL team physician to be more conscientious than ever about the care of players who have had head injuries. Please watch this story.

There goes PK, hedging again. What, in this context, does circumstantial mean?

4. I think Mike Vick is telling -- no, insisting -- to some in the Falcons organization he's not involved in raising pit bulls for dog-fighting. As of now, these people believe him. And I hear Vick has not ever been caught in a lie with these people. Still, my money's on my good pal Don (Donnie Brasco) Banks, who reported the other day that a couple of sources close to Vick believe he's definitely involved in dog-fighting.

Why does Vick’s not being caught in a lie to the Falcons contribute to his credibility? Ron Mexico is now more famous than Tony Clifton as arch alter-ego. And, if Don Banks really goes by Donnie Brasco, he should be fired (or killed in the same way that Tony just killed Christopher—I assume that we’ll get an update on that in the PK’s Non-Football thoughts).

5. I think there is more shoulder-length hair in football than in any other sport right now, and I include women's figure skating in that comparison.

I doubt that such is the case, though female figure skaters often wear their hair up, so I can’t make any definitive claims about its length. Wait? That was just a ham-fisted joke? Oh. Ha.

6. I think I hear really good things about Bobby Petrino. I mean, really good things. About his organizational skills, his no-nonsense approach, his offensive plan (with new offensive coordinator Hue Jackson) and attention to detail. Imagine if Mike Lombardi had persuaded him to take the Raiders job 16 months ago, and Al Davis hadn't saddled the team with a wasted Art Shell/Tom Walsh year. Imagine Petrino working with JaMarcus Russell. (Not that Lane Kiffin's not going to do well, mind you. It's just that Petrino's got a better track record working with quarterbacks than most NFL coaches right now.)

Here’s where the think-I-thinks get a little weird: when PK combines the think with some other mode of cognition or perception, he sounds as though he’s sorting out issues with schizophrenia. Also, note how PK covers his ass by laboriously not insulting new coach (and new contact) Lane Kiffin even as he smothers Bobby Petrino’s ass with kisses and as he slams Shell, Walsh, and Davis, all of whom are easy targets and inconsequential to King’s career.

7. I think you know I have a soft spot for two New Orleanian things -- the work Habitat for Humanity is doing rebuilding the city, and Drew Brees. Nice combo platter last week by Brees and Habitat.

Combo Platter, you say? I’m going to add a third thing to PK’s New Orleanian soft-spot spread.

After describing Drew Brees’s rebuilding efforts, PK says

My problem, quite frankly, is the rebuilding is too slow. This country should be mobilized by the federal government, like yesterday, to attack the reconstruction of a tattered city.

New Orleans was demolished by Katrina in late August 2005. Yesterday’s not much of an improvement.

Good for Brees, who housed and fed about 105 volunteer students, and good for the hotels who made deals with Brees to put the kids up, and good for the kids, who worked through Saturday afternoon.

And good for Brees, who picks up his own dog’s shit (FotWTMIOPK).

8. I think it might be worth a few minutes tonight, if you can tear yourself away from Cavs-Nets or Marlins-Pirates, to catch a few snaps of the Chicago-Dallas Arena game. It's the best two teams in the league (they're a combined 17-2), and there's an intriguing player in the game -- 6-3, 220-pound Chicago receiver Bobby Sippio, who might engender a small bidding war (very small) between NFL teams at the end of the Arena season in July. He's a big receiver, obviously, not just the typical Arena smurf, and he's on pace to catch 71 touchdowns. I have no idea what that means in the real world, but in Arenaball, it'd be an all-time record. The game's on ESPN2 at 8:30 Eastern.

Arena Football? ESPN2? What happened to PK’s corporate overlords?

9. I think Pacman Jones has to be out of his mind if he thinks his suspension is going to be reduced more than in some very, very minor way.

I think that Pacman Jones, by visiting a strip club the night before his meeting with Commissioner Goodell, might be trying to prove that he is out of his mind to evoke public sympathy and a not guilty by insanity verdict.

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

a. Belated Happy Mother's Day, ladies.

Do women actually like being called “ladies”?

b. If I'm not the worst rotisserie player on the planet, I'm close. Of course, when the first two pitchers you pick are Matsuzaka and Wainwright, and you try to outsmart everyone with Delmon Young and Ronny Paulino. In other words, I deserve my catastrophic fate.

Anyone who reads PK’s non-football thoughts about baseball knows that he throws his money away in his fantasy league. And do people still use the term rotisserie in this context?

c. Coffeenerdness: Ever been in the Omni William Penn Hotel Starbucks in downtown Pittsburgh? Convivial. Bright. Airy. One problem: Weak, inconsistent espresso shots. Get on it, Seattle.

Do you think that PK ever considers that he may have just caught one of these Starbucks on a bad day? Surely the quality of the coffee must vary somewhat at a given franchise.

d. Gotta love TV Land. There's not much as funny, and I mean ever on TV, as the Mr. Ed episode where Leo Durocher teaches Ed how to hit a baseball -- and then Ed slides into home.

Holy shit! Item 10d is the Rosetta Stone to PK’s brain. Feel free to contribute to a list of funnier things “ever on TV.” I’ll start with Patrick Stewart on Extras: “But I’ve already seen everything.” This episode of Mr. Ed aired in 1963, so, if PK (born 1958) saw it the first time during its original airing, can you imagine, if he still thinks that it’s the funniest thing ever on television, how hyperactively he overreacted as a five-year-old? Right now, I’m envisioning the Mr. Show sketch of a flashback in which Bob Odenkirk’s mother visits a doctor to abort a four-year-old Bob, who asks, “What’s a gagortion?”—another thing funnier than Leo Durocher on Mr. Ed.

e. Have a good next phase of your life, Tony Blair. You sure were good in The Queen.

So that’s an okay joke, I guess. Tony Blair does have a very long imdb page, by the way.

f. Speaking of chick flicks I liked quite a bit, I recommend Waitress, a neat little fairy tale about a likeable waitress, Keri Russell. Excellent actress, by the way. Lots of good life lessons in there.

The Queen is a chick flick? I like to imagine that the last sentence of this entry is a less-than-subtle aside to Mary Beth King, who, I also like to imagine, made her dad watch Waitress, which looks like it has a decent cast. I really hope that Felicity ends up with Noel at the end.

g. Watched some of Suns-Spurs on Saturday night, quite unlike me. And a football game broke out.

I know that Peter means that watching what many expect to be the best series of the NBA playoffs is something that he likely wouldn’t do, but the sentence-fragment syntax here leaves only two nouns for quite unlike me to modify: night or Suns-Spurs, so, yes, Peter, you are quite unlike the Suns or the Spurs. Also, can we retire the I-went-to/watched-one-thing-and-another-different-thing-broke-out joke, especially since the different thing that broke out is disproportionately a football game?

Although I did just go to a coloumn ostensibly about football, and a 3400-word, snarky bitchfest broke out. Okay, now we can retire that joke.