Seriously, Don't Fire Peter King--What Else Would I Do with My Mondays?
I offer a little PK, having recently imbibed on a pony keg (in honor of the Kentucky Derby, of course. Place your bets—for Funny!).
As he frequently does, PK begins strong, thoroughly explaining why Trent Green has not yet been traded to the Dolphins and using the access that perhaps only Peter King possesses, but then:
News item: It's official: The wise guys like New England. According to Antigua-based sportsbook Bodog.com, the odds to win next year's Super Bowl have fluctuated wildly -- and in the direction of Foxboro -- since the Colts walked away with the Lombardi Trophy in February. New England has gone from being the fourth-most-likely team to win Super Bowl XLII in Glendale, Ariz., next February to the most likely.
This factoid seems fitting for, well, the factoid of the week that is interesting only to Peter, but he does include a nice table to prove his point about the mercurial Vegas line. (I won’t praise too effusively, though. It’s not like he needed regression analysis or Fourier transformations to provide a few data points to show how the line on the 2008 Super Bowl has shifted over the last three months.)
But, if this tidbit were just the FIOtPK (Factoid Interesting Only to Peter King), we wouldn’t get the subsequent disquisition, including this bit of hypothetical hyperbole from the mouth of a Tony Dungy imposter:
Observation one: If I'm Tony Dungy, I have my perfect pre-training-camp speech. "No one thinks we're going to win it again,'' he could say. "All you did last year was answer every challenge, and all our major pieces are still in place, and we had a great draft. And the oddsmakers start you at 6-1 to win the Super Bowl, drop you to 7-1 and now you're 8-1? If that isn't the biggest lack of respect I've ever seen, I don't know what is.''
That’s right, from a coach who’s so religious that he publicly denounces same-sex marriage (but evidently is quite the gambler), we get the Colts’ slogan for the ’07-’08 campaign: The Indianapolis Colts: A Good Bet (to Cover the Spread and Beat the Over in Super Bowl XLII). I’d definitely take the Colts to show (if I were a betting man).
Observation two: 2-1 odds for the Patriots? In this sport in which two injuries can kill a season? I can see 4-1, maybe. But the Patriots still are old at linebacker, might be thin at running back if Laurence Maroney can't be the horse that he's expected to be, and then there's Randy Moss.
I know that Peter thinks that opinions (or, in this context, prognostications) “make the world go ’round,” but who gives a fuck? Oh, but more Randy Moss:
I talked to a GM last Friday who knows Moss well. "I'll tell you what'll happen to Moss early on in New England," he said. "Two or three safeties, early in the season, are going to come and try to knock Moss' block off. He doesn't like to get hit, you know. And teams will learn that the way to make Randy very ineffective is to knock the crap out of him early in games."
So is Peter creeping up on revising his claim that the Moss trade is wrong no matter its outcome (item 2) by planting the seeds that it may not work anyway, even though he said that he thinks that it will, from a pragmatic perspective (you know, the one not invested in the metaphysics of the Patriots’ “mold”)?
Observation three: The betting line suggests it would be three times as unlikely that San Diego would win the Super Bowl as New England. And man, that is nuts. Just nuts. If I were a betting man, I'd pick New England right now. But by a small margin over Indy and the Chargers. Not by a landslide.
So, is Peter actually not a betting man? Then for what the fuck were the above four paragraphs?
News Item: Michael Vick is in increasingly warm water.
Warmed by a golden handshake?
I have very little to add to the report by a Virginia TV station that up to 70 dogs -- some of them injured in ways that suggest they were used for dog-fighting -- were found on Vick's property.
We'll let the investigation take shape here, but Vick faces the prospect of a suspension if he is complicit in a ring that trains dogs to fight each other. That's not to say a suspension is certain, but NFL commissioner Roger Goodell will be under tremendous pressure from animal-rights activists (he's already received a letter from the Humane Society of the United States) and plain, decent human beings everywhere to suspend Vick if he's into pit-bull fighting. And if Vick is tangibly involved, he deserves the suspension.
I like how circumspect Peter is by noting that some of the dogs were “injured in ways that suggest they were used for dog-fighting,” and I like that the implication of that circumspection is that someone might argue otherwise, attributing the dogs’ various injuries to unfortunate incidents involving, among other things, barb wire, razor wire, cacti, porcupines, fish hooks, nail guns, those short three-pronged garden tools, snakes, snapping turtles, bobcats, Wolverine from the X-Men, Satanists, tasers, and, oh, maybe some other crazy fucking pit bulls.
And, yeah, I don’t have much concern for dog-fighters (that is, the people arranging the dog-fights. For the dogs themselves, I have some moderate concern, though if Method Man were involved as his character "Cheese" from The Wire, I’m not sure if I could condemn this totally.)
"Clemens is going back to the Yankees? I thought he retired from the Yankees and they gave him that big ceremony. Remember they gave him that orange Hummer? Now he's back?''
-- Trent Green, when I broke the news to him Sunday afternoon that Roger Clemens was returning to the American League East to torment me for the next five months. Or longer.
Green would have been really incredulous if PK had told him how much Clemens will be paid for 20-25 starts this year. (Hint: It’s around the disparity between the third and twenty-second picks in the NFL draft over the maximum length of the rookie contract, or, in other words, the amount that Brady Quinn should be able to recoup by getting to file for free agency a year earlier than a top sixteen pick.)
"Brady Quinn threw consecutive balls into a brisk wind that could be described charitably as wounded ducks. Each ball looked to hit a brick wall in midair and plummet, one far short of the intended and uncovered receiver. Quinn compensated on the next pass and overthrew a receiver."
-- Cleveland Plain Dealer veteran Browns beat writer Tony Grossi, observing Brady Quinn's first mini-camp practice Friday in Berea, Ohio
I don’t like to complain about media saturation, but I am now officially soaked.
"For some reason, I was labeled fat, lazy, a pot smoker, or whatever else was said."
-- Mike Williams
I can't speak about the pot-smoking, Mike. But I'll tell you exactly why you were labeled the other things: because they're true. Let's not try to recreate history now. Be a man and take the blame for personally screwing up your NFL career and giving a Randy Moss-like effort to the Lions for the past two years.
Peter stole the obvious joke, but I like how he’s still harping on Moss. Shouldn’t a receiver be allowed out of his contract if his team hires Aaron Brooks to play quarterback? Who was sandbagging whom out there in Oakland?
"I think a lot of these guys were probably on the dinner circuit. They haven't been working out as much. When we come out here to practice, there's a big difference. All of a sudden the pressure is on. It's always a little bit of a shock to them. That's probably good, though. They probably need a wakeup call to what this will be all about."
-- Washington coach Joe Gibbs, after watching his rookies go through their first mini-camp practice. It's likely that 31 other coaches, plus about 800 rookie draftees and free-agents around the league, know exactly what he's talking about.
Good, could you put me in touch with one of them so that he can tell me?
"He can hit you and hurt your whole family. Interception for a touchdown or put a guy in the hospital? That's a tough decision for LaRon."
-- Hahnville (La.) High coach Lou Valdin, on his former defensive star LaRon Landry, the first-round pick of the Redskins, in Howard Bryant's excellent piece on Landry in Sunday's Washington Post.
If only LaRon played a sport in which hospitalizing his opponent were worth six points.
Factoid That May Interest Only Me
A rookie free-agent named Xzavie Jackson is in camp with the Bengals, trying to make the team as a reserve defensive lineman. That's notable because there never has been a player in the history of American professional sports whose first or last name began with the letters "xz."
Actually, that is interesting, though it needs fixing: A rookie free-agent named Xzavie Jackson is in camp with the Bengals, trying to make the team as a reserve defensive lineman. That's notable because there never has been a person in the history of the English language whose first or last name began with the letters "xz."
There, all better.
Aggravating/Enjoyable Travel Note of the Week
New Jersey Gov. Jon Corzine, released from a hospital after an 18-day stay from a serious car accident in which he was not wearing a seat belt while his state-trooper driver was speeding at 91 mph, said this upon his release: "I also understand that I set a very poor example for a lot of young people -- a lot of people in general -- and I certainly hope the state will forgive me. And I'll work very hard to try to set the right kind of example to make a difference in people's lives as we go forward.''
In case you’re wondering, no, this A/ETNoW has nothing do with Peter’s traveling anywhere, but he is making this trip aggravating for one hobbled governor, I’d bet (if I were the gambling type, of course).
A Newark Star-Ledger reporter who trailed the governor's six-vehicle convoy from the hospital to the governor's residence in Princeton, about an hour's drive, said the convoy's speed "crept up near 70" on the freeway. That is above the speed limit of 65.
Maybe it's me, but I'd think the troopers in my adopted state would not inch one mph over the speed limit with the governor aboard, unless there's some sort of emergency.
This just in: John Corzine’s motorcade traveled down a slight incline and didn’t reset the cruise control on the interstate! Where’s the lever that you pull to stop the presses very dramatically?
And, yes, Peter, it is just you. Also, didn’t you make a big deal out of being a "Jersey guy" a while back? Yes, just three weeks ago. And earlier in 2002, also (5e).
Stat of the Week
When Warren Sapp stepped on the scale in Oakland recently, the Raiders were stunned. The needle stopped at 285.
More of a factoid than a stat, but I’d wager that the needle stopped because it was A) exhausted or B) broken.
To the Think-I-Thinks
1. I think what Cam Cameron said the other day about how young players in the NFL have to constantly learn should be required reading for every young player. And veterans too.
So what he said is in print somewhere, maybe like this column?
I don’t really want to quote the entirety of this week’s lead-off think-I-think (it’s 371 words), but the first two-thirds or so details the rigors through which Cleo Lemon, Miami’s backup quarterback, was put by Cameron and Miami QB coach Terry Shea to improve Lemon’s mechanics. Let me just say that I think that Miami would be better off putting this effort into acquiring Trent Green. Also, PK indulges Cameron’s hyperbole when he compares the process by which Lemon’s form was broken down to how Tiger Woods continually works on his swing. To wit:
"I correlate it to Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods has won an unbelievable amount of golf tournaments and then realized he [wouldn't be] as good as he wanted to be unless he changed his swing. You can't believe what Tiger Woods did for every coach in America. When the best golfer in the world changes his golf swing to become better, you have an opportunity to say to the guys, 'We have to change these techniques or you are only going to get so good.' I give Cleo credit. He did that. Now you did notice the ball traveling accurately throughout the entire practice."
Look for Cleo to don a green jacket any day now, or, at the very least, look for Jim Nantz to give the play-by-play of a Dolphins game in hushed whispers when Lemon gets in during garbage time.
2. I think the more we hear from NFL teams that have had an interest in quarterbacks in the recent draft, the more we understand that there was JaMarcus Russell and then there was the field. Brady Quinn was a lot closer to the Becks, Stantons and Kolbs than he was to Russell. "Look," Cam Cameron told me Sunday, "I like Brady Quinn. I think he's going to be a good quarterback in this league. But that doesn't mean we think he should be a top-10 pick." Logical reasoning. I think what happened here is the more we all talked about Brady, the more we thought he should have been in competition with Russell for the top pick. But not many teams at the top of the draft really felt that way.
He is so damn close to getting it, yet again.
3. I think Brady Quinn needs to stop apologizing for things like not watering the plants when he left home this morning. The Joe Theismann rant about Quinn looking disheveled and chewing gum was silly, and Quinn said he was sorry like he'd just tripped an old lady crossing the street. Jon Corzine needs to apologize, Brady. Not you.
Hear Hear! Screw Theismann, but I do like how King goes back to his hobbyhorse Corzine (get it, ’cause the Kentucky Derby was this weekend).
4. I think what's so insane about draft grades the day after the draft -- I don't give them -- is this: The same people who gave Dallas a C this year for an uninspired first-round choice (Anthony Spencer of Purdue) will give them an A next year because they'll have one high first-round pick and one middle- to low-one, and they'll pick players of some fame. The Cowboys should get the A this year, not next year, because this is the year they wrangled from Cleveland what is almost certain to be a high pick in 2008's first round, and for what ended up being, in essence, third- and fifth-round picks. Next year Jerry Jones will get more pats on the back for having Cleveland's first-round pick than he ever got for winning a Super Bowl.
Seriously, someone send a rescue team and one of those big inflatable cushions from Lethal Weapon—he’s about to jump.
5. I think the Browns will be proven right on Eric Wright. You know the story: Kid gets busted on sexual-assault and possession-of-ecstasy two years ago at USC, charges are dropped, he transfers to UNLV, plays OK through some injuries and, according to draft guru Rick Gosselin of the Dallas Morning News, half the teams in the league take him off their draft boards because they fear his past. I wrote a short piece on him for Sports Illustrated this week, and though I didn't come away from a chat with him feeling warm and fuzzy, I'd be surprised if he's a problem in Cleveland. Very surprised.
I have no idea where Peter draws the line for his moralizing: dog-fighting and not wearing a seatbelt = very bad; sexually assaulting and possessing copious amounts of rave/date-rape drugs = not completely awful.
7. I think they might as well go ahead and inscribe the Offensive Rookie of the year trophy with Marshawn Lynch's name. With a run-blocking offensive line coach in Jim McNally, two very high-priced line free agents in the fold (Derrick Dockery, Langston Walker) after being trained in run-blocking in their previous places, and the likelihood that Lynch will get 300 carries if he stays healthy.
Seriously, PK is already going to predict an award that’s largely meaningless?
... I mean, unless Calvin Johnson catches 80 balls or some Hofstra receiver comes out of nowhere again, Lynch should win it in a walk.
What the hell is happening? Is that a bit of winking mockery of himself and even of his profession? He’s on the balls of his feet, his toes are curled around the ledge, he’s spreading his arms, closing his eyes, and leaning forward…Where the hell is Riggs!?
8. I think the 49ers will end up disappointed in Darrell Jackson, and I'm sure they'll end up disappointed in Ashley Lelie. Jackson misses too much practice time, and Lelie won't be tough enough for coach Mike Nolan
Oh, maybe don’t call Riggs. We’re back into comfortable clichés about missing practice and toughness.
9. I think that's a nice honeymoon Lane Kiffin's got going in Oakland, but if you ask me if anything's really changed there -- I mean, really changed -- the answer is I doubt it. Because the first time he makes a call Al Davis hates that doesn't work on a crucial third-and-3, Kiffin will feel the hammer.
Yep, never mind. False alarm. Move along, people. Early stages of a job/relationship/endeavor of any kind = honeymoon, and Al Davis = crazy old control freak who lowers "the hammer." Nothing to see here.
a. Not a soul who I am close to, not one person, began a conversation in the last week with me with anything like the following statement: "Can't wait for that fight Saturday night,'' or "You think Mayweather's going to win?'' SI called Mayweather-De La Hoya "The fight to save boxing.'' Boxing, I think, can't be saved. There's no buzz around it anymore. I remember covering Aaron Pryor 25 years ago in
This would be a very different non-football thought if NBC carried the fight, or even if it still aired The Contender.
b. Requiem for the Devils: Watching Martin Brodeur let in easy goal after easy goal this postseason reminded me of A-Rod's Yankee playoff history. When you're a team based on defense, you can't win with a goalie giving up so many soft ones.
Since when have the Yankees been a team based on defense? Or is this metaphor so tortuously mixed that PK is taking a swipe at A-Rod’s offensive postseason issues while bemoaning bad defense? And wouldn’t the most salient example be the uber-shitty fielding of
c. The Devil Rays' payroll for six months for 24 major-league players: $24,124,200.
d. The Yankees' payment and luxury-tax fee to employ Roger Clemens for four months: $25,900,000.
I’m shocked! The Devil Rays actually have 24 Major-League caliber players? Shouldn’t they at least fill out the 25-man roster anyway?
e. Coffeenerdness: I always chuckle when a fairly fit person in line at Starbucks will order a drink straddling the line of fit and fat. The other day, a woman said: "Grande skim triple mocha, extra mocha, extra whip.'' Big cup of a light flavored coffee, loaded with extra sugar and extra heavy cream. What's the point, exactly?
Well clean my colon with a hot coffee enema! PK actually says “what’s the point” about consuming coffee and yet doesn’t engage in one iota of introspection (how’s that for alliterative “analysis” in one segment?) I’m starting to question that wry comment about Rookie of the Year candidate Marshawn Lynch above.
h. I want to say this with all due respect, because I'm an animal lover. But I wish there would be as much hand-wringing over the 3,376 American fatalities in
But Barbaro, and his kin, is actually measured in hands, thus the hand-wringing—people are trying to get off the dead horse (I don’t mean that in any kind of necrophiliac, animal husbandry sort of way). And perhaps I’m confused, but is Peter aware of the 24-hour news networks that cover many, many stories about
And how nifty that we finished up with a nod to horse racing (I promise that I didn’t read ahead to make my initial comments fit with the whole column).
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