Fire Peter King, Again (and Again, Not Really)

So my weekly insanity is coming a little late, but all you loyal readers will have something to do over the weekend. More Peter King zaniness:

"On Friday,'' he [Browns GM Phil Savage] said, "I called [Quinn's agent] Tom Condon. I'd heard some stuff in the press that he might be negotiating with the Raiders for Brady to be picked at number one. And I had so much respect for Brady through this process. He's a great kid, and he's worked so hard, and he's done everything through the draft process exactly the right way. I told Tom I didn't know if the Raiders were going to take Brady or not, but I wanted to let him know that we'd decided not to take him at number three; so if he was talking to the Raiders, he'd know he didn't have us to fall back on.

"I'd heard Brady talk about having two dreams -- being the No. 1 pick, or playing for the Browns," Savage said. "And I didn't want to see his heart broken twice. We weren't going to take him, so I wanted Tom to be able to do whatever he could to get a deal done with Oakland, if that's what was happening.''

That's class right there.

PK does a really thorough job explaining the process and circumstances by which the Browns nabbed Brady Quinn with the 23^rd pick before he closes the three-page narrative with the above passage. Maybe I’m an asshole, but how classy is sacrificing information about one’s plan for the NFL draft so that a player whom you expect not to draft can better his bargaining position with a competitor? The only reason that anyone feels comfortable revealing this information is that Cleveland fell ass-backwards into getting Quinn after the Dolphins, who need a quarterback, did something nigh-inexplicable (i.e., passing on Quinn and drafting Ted Ginn with the ninth pick). And, not that I particularly care about “class” in most instances regarding sports, how classy is Brady Quinn’s repeated assertion that he wanted to be the first pick in the draft?

"Let me just say this: If any of you are thinking we're going to use this pick now to leverage it, the answer is no. Calvin Johnson is staying right here in Detroit. Calvin Johnson is going to team with the rest of this offense and turn it into one of the most dynamic offenses in this league. I firmly believe that. You can scoff at it if you like. I really don't care, because I think it's going to happen.''

-- Embattled Detroit general manager Matt Millen, after choosing Johnson with the second overall pick on Saturday.

What exactly is the onomatopoeic for scoffing? Is it just scoffing? If so, scoff, I’ll use that, scoff. Scoff.

"Brady Quinn is a great quarterback, and just to be in competition with him and for me to beat him out -- it was a great thing from God.''

-- Ohio State wide receiver/kick returner Ted Ginn Jr., after being selected ninth in the draft by the Miami Dolphins, much to the chagrin of Dolphin Nation.

From Ginn’s lips to our ears: God hates the Dolphins.

"Savage = Genius. Miami will be haunted 4 years.''

-- HBO "Inside the NFL'' senior producer and not-so-closeted Browns fan Brian Hyland, in a text message to me Saturday afternoon at 4:23 p.m.

4 reel! pk = leet sprts riter

"Booooooooooooooooooo!''

-- The sound greeting Miami coach Cam Cameron at a south Florida draft party when he stepped to the mike to tell them the team had used its first-round pick on Ted Ginn Jr., not Brady Quinn. The sound was interrupted by one fan yelling, "What a dumb pick!''

This is kind of like Time picking “you” as its person of the year, but not as stupid.

"It's my hair, and I have nothing negative to say about it.''

-- ESPN's Mel Kiper Jr., on his puffy coiffed 'do, to The Baltimore Sun.

Mel’s hair graded out really well at the combine.

"We just caught the biggest fish of the day. It looks like it's a brown trout.''

-- Wisconsin offensive tackle Joe Thomas, aboard a boat in Lake Michigan, fishing with his father while conducting a conference call with the Cleveland media after being picked third by the Browns.

Let me add: Wisconsin offensive tackle Joe Thomas, aboard a boat in Lake Michigan, fishing with his father while conducting a conference call with the Cleveland media after being picked third by the Browns, officially taking this folksy, down-home bullshit too far.

On Oct. 14, Miami plays at Cleveland.

I christen thee: "The Brady Quinn Bowl.''

Now that Brady’s in the league, I hope that his sister starts screwing someone on the Browns so that she won’t be tempted to wear a half-Packers/half-Browns jersey.

After PK shows us what Vince Young (a QB and last year’s third pick) and Manny Lawson (a DE who went 22^nd last year) stand to make over the lifetimes of their respective contracts, he says

Depending how you look at it, Quinn could miss out on approximately $26 million, but there are two upsides. One: Teams can sign picks 1 through 16 to six-year contracts; picks 17 through 32 to five years, at the most. That can be an advantage to a player who is outperforming his contract; he'll get to be a free agent sooner.

One year of earlier free agency could be worth $26 million?

Two: If you think Quinn’s agent is going to take six percent more than what some defensive lineman got in a similar slot last year, you’re nuts. This negotiation between Condon and the Browns could result in a long holdout, unless Lerner steps in and tells his GM: Let’s be fair to this kid and pay him like the 13^th pick, or something like that. I don’t think that’ll happen, because it would screw up the 22^nd slot in the 2008 draft and beyond, but something may have to give.

Didn’t people break Matt Leinert’s balls last year for acting as though he deserved to be paid like a higher pick than he was? Yes? That’s what I thought.

So here's what the press and Seattle staff had for a meal lineup prior to accomplishing anything in the draft:

• Breakfast: Omelet station, bacon, scrambled eggs, sausage links, grits, banana bread, fresh fruit station, biscuits and gravy, oatmeal.

• Lunch: Sushi bar, teriyaki salmon and chicken breasts, brown rice, soup, hamburgers, brats, Caesar salad.

• Dinner: Mushroom shrimp cocktail, carving station with turkey breast and beef loin, cornbread stuffing, carrots, broccoli, mashed potatoes, vegetables, salad. Mac's homemade cookies.

Wow, sounds delicious, if not indulgent.

Unfortunately, the team's latte machine was left at Qwest Field, so the writers and staff had to muddle through in the caffeine department with a couple of blended coffees -- caffe appassionato and French roast.

Never mind, then. Fuck the Seattle Seahawks.

Memo to SI pro football editor Mark Mravic: Hey boss ... I'm thinking the Seahawks are a heck of a story next year on draft day. Lots of interesting stuff going on out there. I can feel it in my bones. And stomach.

And in his hands, warmed by the six-gallon thermos of latte that PK will be taking as one of his carry-on items to Seattle next April.

This week’s “Aggravating/Enjoyable Travel Note of the Week” gets pretty weird:

The other day, I'm in the Comfort Inn near the BWI Airport. I open the wrapped soap, use it for a morning shower and put it back on the soap dish. I'd say the soap is about half as thick as the bar you'd buy in the store. This bar could last 10 or 12 days, easily. And so the next morning, when I step into the shower, I find the bar's been taken away….

Hotels of America, I ask you this: Why do you waste soap like that? Why not simply put another wrapped bar near the sink, and if the customer, for some strange reason, wants to throw away the lightly used soap, he or she can do so and open a new bar. But why assume we always want a new bar of soap?

First, I’m totally on-board with Peter on this one. Last time I was in a hotel, it had wall-mounted dispensers for hand soap, hand lotion, body soap, and shampoo, and I couldn’t believe that I’d never thought of how much waste is produced by a hotel’s toiletries. Still, I have a few quibbles. I’d guess that hotel soaps are more like one-third the thickness of a normal bar of soap (of course, I haven’t purchased a bar of soap since 2001 when I was given two enormous boxes of tiny, individual soap samples of Lever 2000 and Dove—with such a large sample size, I can confidently claim that I prefer Lever 2000). Also, ten to twelve showers from one hotel-sized bar of soap? Does Peter use special face soap, preserving the body bar? Does he use a wash cloth, or does he just rub the bar on his body? And is he counting a shower when you have to scrape together and consolidate into a ball the little pieces of soap into which the bar breaks when it’s almost used up. (Brief digression: my youngest brother, at the age of about four, dubbed those little soap remnants “winkling bars” or “winkles.” Winkle, by the way, is a real noun that means, among other things, the penis of a young man (OED). That will do wonders for search engine traffic. You’re welcome, JLD)

Who at home uses soap one time and throws it away? Imagine the savings in a 200-room hotel if 80 percent of the multiday-stay people use one bar of soap per stay. That's got to be 300, 400 bars a week -- or maybe 15,000 bars a year. At 20 cents a bar, let's say, that's $3,000 a year. What hotel couldn't use $3,000 a year?

Like I said, I’m down with PK on the environmental waste represented by so many hotels’ policy of daily, default soap rotation, but I can name a few hotels that don’t sweat three large over four fiscal quarters. Paris Hilton probably spends that much on [insert hacky Paris-Hilton-is-a-debauched-spoiled-twat-joke].

One other thing about hotel upkeep, while I'm at it: I wrote about this a few years ago, and it continues to confound me. What's the deal with housekeepers stopping up the drain in the bathtub every time they clean the room? What person gets in the shower and says, "Sure am glad the drain is closed. I like to shower, as Cosmo Kramer once said, in a tepid pool of my own filth.''

I used to until I imagined Peter King doing it.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me II

With Johan Santana looking on from the Minnesota dugout, new Lion Calvin Johnson threw out the first pitch before the Twins-Tigers game on Sunday afternoon at Comerica Park. The ball went through the web of Tigers coach Andy Van Slyke. "High, hard one,'' said Johnson. "He underestimated my fastball.''

Is that really a factoid?

b. We'll look back on this draft one day and say Amobi Okoye was a steal at No. 10 to Houston. He's a clean-as-a-whistle Warren Sapp.

Okoye’s hygiene is obviously uncompromised by any drain-stopping hotel staffs.

f. Anthony Gonzalez must be pinching himself. I played in Ted Ginn Jr.'s shadow all this time, and now I get to catch passes from Peyton Manning in the NFL? I've died and gone to heaven.

If Gonzalez is pinching himself, does that mean that he’s also figuratively putting Brandon Stokely’s hand into a bowl of warm water?

g. Best match of player to team in the entire seven rounds: Paul Posluszny to Buffalo. He was made to play in the tundra, and that town is going to love him like it loved Steve Tasker. Mark my words.

Does “love him like Steve Tasker” mean in wild disproportion to his contributions to the team’s success?

i. I wish Brian Leonard had been picked by an outdoors team, preferably one that got muddy a lot. That's the kind of player he is. But you'll love him, St. Louis.

PK is concealing the homoerotic undercurrent of his writings on Brian Leonard less and less.

k. And H.B. Blades going in the fifth? The Redskins stole him. Just stole him.

Washington took a page out of the Blades’ family playbook.

n. Amazing how Matt Millen stays so positive with the daily barrage of negativity in the community about him.

Is that a compliment?

o. Jerramy Stevens to the Bucs. What, Randy Moss wasn't available, Bruce Allen?

To be fair, Stevens is a TE. Also, to be fair, Stevens’ rap sheet dwarfs Moss’s.

And speaking of Randy Moss:

I'm about to get preachy/sappy. Even when the Patriots took a chance on guys like Corey Dillon, they were using roster spots on guys who were never accused of not hustling. To me, and to Bob Kraft, Bill Belichick and Scott Pioli, cheating the game is the worst crime a player can commit. Moss has done it regularly, going back to the infamous dogging it that Merril Hoge proved on ESPN years ago.

People around the Raiders had a major beef with Moss -- he regularly dogged it. I'm not going to kill the Patriots for this, because Moss might well turn into Pete Rose, and if he does, good for him. But this is not the kind of player the Patriots stand for. He can prove all of us doubting this trade wrong. But I can't help but think that, regardless of the outcome, the Patriots should have let someone else deal with his potential flameout. In their quest for the greatest offseason in the Cap Era (which the Patriots might have won before the Moss trade), I think New England went one step too far.

Sometimes I wonder if PK’s brain has an off switch that somehow allows his hands to keep typing. How can an accomplished writer say that “cheating the game is the worst crime a player can commit” and then say that a morally rehabilitated Moss might “turn into Pete Rose,” which I take to mean that he will not only beat his wife, consort with people known to be connected to organized crime, commit tax fraud, and fix (implicitly or otherwise) the sport in which he participates by gambling on it but also that he will run to first base on a walk? This rhetorical turn is just as bad as last week’s gaffe when PK referred to a player accused of rape as “seductive” to NFL scouts.

Also, I believe that Moss “dogs it” sometimes (mostly because I believed Randy Moss when he admitted to everyone who cared to listen that he doesn’t hustle on every play—Merril Hoge does not a Sherlock Holmes make), but don’t most players take a play off every now and then, especially receivers? Let’s see what Moss’s coach Mike Tice said 5 years ago about this issue: “Is Randy going to take a couple of plays off in a game? Sure. All receivers do. But he knows if it happens too much I'll yank him. And then the s---'s going to fly between me and him, believe me.” You’ll never guess to whom he spoke those words.

And how can a trade be wrong regardless of the outcome? How else could it be wrong or right besides its outcome, which is (again to the OED), “A state of affairs resulting from some process; the way something turns out (spec. in early use: the ending of a story); a result (of a test, experiment, measurement, etc.), a consequence; a conclusion or verdict” or “The product which results from an action, process, or system; a derivative, a more advanced development of some earlier design, style, product, etc.”

3. I think once you move to the pragmatic side of the deal, my guess is New England will be happy with Moss.

The other side would be what, exactly?

5. I think this might sound strange, but Chiefs defensive end Jared Allen got off pretty light when Roger Goodell took only one quarter of his season away. K.C.'s best pass rusher got a four-game suspension for two DUI charges in the space of one year…. I've heard Goodell is going to have a boilerplate suspension of two games for a first drunk driving charge. Allen's fortunate he only got four. It stands to reason that a repeat offender would get more than double the penalty when he makes the same stupid mistake.

Most people probably agree that a second offense should carry a heavier penalty than the first, but I don’t know if that conclusion “stands to reason.” Equally standing to reason is this ratio, expressed old-school SAT style, One DUI:Two-Game Suspension :: Two Dui’s:Four-Game Suspension.

He [Giants’ first-round pick Aaron Ross] said, "I love to man up on guys and take them out of the game.'' Asked about his biggest adjustment to the pro game, he said, sounding about as honest as a kid can, "I think being star-struck. Facing T.O. Facing Chad Johnson. Making myself realize they aren't on a video game anymore or on Sunday Night Football. I am up against them on the other side. Once I get over that, I feel I will be straight.''

He really said “Sunday Night Football,” the game broadcast by NBC, Peter’s employer? Again, GE >>> pk

7. I think I'd like to hear the defensive comments four years from now from scouts when they are asked to justify how Troy Smith went with the last pick of the fifth round. This isn't Charlie Ward, people. This is a guy who played at a high level until the last game of his college football career. And he goes 174th?

Well, Troy Smith has not to date announced any plans to enter the NBA draft, but Charlie Ward might not be an inapt comparison. Both guys are short for QB’s, both won the Heisman in record-breaking fashion, and both played football really well in college, in part because they were surrounded by ridiculous talent. My guess is that NFL scouts aren’t so scared of a single game that they’d let a good QB prospect fall to 174.

8. I think the Lions might be exceptional on offense this year. Imagine a three-wide set with Roy Williams and Calvin Johnson split wide, with Mike Furrey, the 2006 NFC receptions leaders with 98, in the slot.

Someone (at least Matt Millen) said in the last couple of years, “Imagine a three-wide set with Roy Williams, Charlie Rogers, and Mike Williams.”

9. I think Mike Vick needs to give about 20 golden handshakes to good old friends and tell them, "Sorry. I'm going to ruin my life unless I make a clean break with 70 percent of my past.'' And if those friends are real friends, they'll understand.''

Is golden handshake slang for “move the fucking dog fights out of my back yard”? Nope, according to urbandictionary.com, it’s slang for “The act of urinating on one's own hand then vigorously shaking the hand of another.” That’s actually much less disgusting than the golden corn hole. Or dogfighting, of course.

b. Mariano Rivera, 1-for-3 in save opportunities. Al Reyes, whoever that is, 8-for-8.

Small sample size.

c. Jimmy Johnson has switched to Heineken premium Light from Heineken high-test ... and lost 13 pounds.

Either Jimmy Johnson was drinking way too much Heineken of any kind, or he just used the endorsement money given to him by Heineken to pay for some major liposuction.

d. Sopranos note of the week…. Five episodes left, and the scene is being set for a murderous spring, if you ask me.

Peter King routinely bitches about violence in movies.

e. Coffeenerdness: Detroit's a nice Starbucks town, but the two locations (there may be more, but I've seen two) at the Detroit Metro Airport simply have to serve good coffee more consistently. They rush too much, with too much of an assembly-line feel. And you can't rush a good latte.

A nice Starbucks town—what a way to get on the map. At least Detroit’s chamber of commerce has a new slogan for its promotional materials. The old one, Detroit: The Setting for RoboCop, a Winking Romp through a Dystopic Urban Landscape of Crime, Chaos, and General All-Around Awfulness. Dead of Alive, You’re Coming to Detroit!, wasn’t working too well (the work of Paul Verhoeven just doesn’t resonate with tourists like it used to).

And how. The fuck. Can you. Complain. About. An. Assembly-line. Approach. To. Serving. Coffee. At. A. Starbuck’s? (Each of those “sentences” was typed by a different person.)

g. We'll miss you, David Halberstam. What a great and brave journalist, and what a contributor to smart sportswriting. His book about the staid Yankees and the upstart, team-of-the-future Cardinals and the '64 World Series is one of the three or four best sports books I've ever read.

The Collected Ball-Breakings of Peter King: An Examination of One Sportswriter’s Indulgence of Bloat and Bellyaching by yours truly (release date TBA) will not displace Halberstam on PK’s short list. But it should, at the very least, make it’s way to the desk of PK’s editor.

What am I saying? I might as well have said the desk of PK’s talking unicorn—PK don’t need no stinking editor. And neither do I.

Updated with more PK fun (MMQBTE, in which Peter often addresses letters from his readers)

But before I get to your letters and his thoughts, let me just say that some of you have mistaken my criticism of the trade. I think Moss will play well for the Patriots -- very well. His career's on the line with this scaled-down, no-guaranteed-money, one-year contract, and he'll respond by being a good deep threat for Tom Brady, and I don't even think he'll make a single wave in the locker room all year.

Okay, I'll listen, but I do read somewhat competently (if infrequently), and PK definitely criticized the trade, though I was struggling to figure out why. So far, PK lists like eight reasons why the trade should work out (if you're counting the three compound adjectives describing his contract).

But then (and remember that Peter thinks that the trade is bad no matter the outcome)
But here's my point: This guy dogged his way out of Oakland, and the Patriots rewarded him by giving him a starting job on a three-time Super Bowl champion. Over the last few years, the Patriots have turned their backs on the vast majority of talented players who had some dog in them, or major problems off the field, preferring to go with character guys who played hard and shut their mouths. Though I believe Moss will play hard now, this trade breaks that Patriot mold.

So the Patriots rewarded him by helping their team win football games? Sounds like they rewarded themselves. And, if Moss plays well and flies right, won't that transformation reinforce the Patriots' mold? And, since the Patriots have passed on questionable players before, shouldn't we trust their judgment of Moss even more since they're the anti-Portland Trailblazers?

Not according to Frank Cooney:

Frank Cooney's point: "Moss should lose votes for the Hall of Fame if he actually rebounds and plays hard and well in New England. Why? Because that proves that he purposely disgraced the game of football by dogging it and quitting in Oakland when he did indeed have the physical ability to play. He was on a team that was hurting and needed help and he quit!

Again, plenty of guys don't play 100% on every play, probably many on shitty teams. Should not one of them be in the hall of fame? Surely some guy in the hall of fame disgraced football in some way.

Frank's not done: "Oddly, if he falls on his pratt in New England, he should probably be given more consideration for the Hall. Because maybe he just hit his career wall in Oakland after all, which isn't likely, but it's fair to give him the benefit of the doubt. And let's be clear that Randy Moss was indeed a Hall of Fame-caliber player before suiting up for Oakland. HOF voters are supposed to judge these guys ONLY by what they do on the field. Moss was an embarrassment to the sport on the field in Oakland. I was embarrassed when my grandsons watched him.''

So that's a weird disincentive to Moss: now he has to suck for the Patriots to get into the Hall of Fame, even if he really doesn't suck. And why are HoF voters supposed to judge only what happens on the field if disgracing the game is at issue? Hasn't the new commish pretty clearly indicated that disgracing the game off the field is a big deal? And why am I writing so many rhetorical questions?

From Matt, of West Chester, Pa.: "Is it me, or are the Patriots' acquisitions of Adalius Thomas and Randy Moss eerily similar to the Eagles' acquisitions of Jevon Kearse and Terrell Owens?

It's just you, Matt of the WC.

From Dan Isaacson, of Milwaukee: "I think the Packers flunked this draft for failing to address any of their needs and giving Brett a chance to win now. Your thoughts?''

They could give themselves a chance to win by getting rid of Favre.

PK's response, of course, is predictably Favre-friendly:

Dan, I don't like having a major need at receiver and drafting the 13th and 21st wideouts in the draft. I said to someone after the first three rounds: "Favre's got to be throwing a shoe through his TV right now.''

Pick one: it's going through the TV because he tried to throw it through the window or he forced his shoe into double coverage and it was intercepted.