What a "Jerk"
Navin Johnson would be proud.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
JLD Simpsonized
Why I spent 10 minutes on a Burger King website (like the time I spent 1/2 hour drawing a moustache on my dog on another BK marketing ploy), I do not know. But here I am, Simpsonized. I was going to do the Dale Berra photo, but it wasn't big enough. So it's just me instead, and here I am.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
AMI
I know I'm not posting much this summer, but I can not let this pass unnoticed.
The American Mustache Institute's "Best Sports Mustache of All Time" contest. I feel as if we have tread this ground before, but I can't find the more substantial posts on the subject of baseball and mustaches, and certainly the AMI didn't steal the idea from us. It must just be part of the zeitgeist (as it should be).
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Apple Juice
Why not to have kids.
To my 8.5-months-pregnant sister: teach your kid to drink coffee early. It will make plane travel much easier for everyone.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
The Days are Getting Longer, but MMQB is Getting Shorter
So, I’ve been lax in my obsession with some things Peter King the last two weeks, though I would be unduly self-critical if I didn’t note that Peter King has been lax with some things Peter King the last two weeks. I like to think that he literally phoned it in (to some poor, poor intern). This week doesn’t seem much different, but I’m rested and reinvigorated in my quest to be an asshole. Onward!
It's been a little boring around the NFL over the last month or so.
Yes.
Lots of off-the-field crappola going on, but not much to sink your football teeth into.
Also true, but the o-t-f “crappola” (a word that is as sure a generational marker as any) is a lot of fun. Between the canine pugilist impresario and the house of burlesque meteorologist, we’ve barely had time to think about that recidivist space alien who plays receiver for the Bengals.
Here's my attempt to stir things up. It's the first MMQB Quarterback Ratings.
And here we are, almost exactly six months ‘til Christmas. Peter, what have you done?
Here's what I've done
This should be good.
[I’ve] ranked the 2007 starting quarterbacks in the league from 1 to 32, from Manning (Peyton) to Croyle (Brodie). The rankings are in the order of quarterbacks who will have the best seasons in 2007 and 2007 only.
Dumb list—check
Ridiculous Prognostication—check
Bizarre severance of “best season” from “best quarterback” (more to come on this point)—check
Giving us lots of information about his picks before actually revealing the list—check
Manning's No. 1 (Surprise!): A year ago, I would have picked Tom Brady over Manning. But fair is fair. Manning beat Brady twice in 2006, won the Super Bowl and put all the can't-win-the-big-one stuff behind him. Now Peyton has the ultimate reward -- being picked over Brady in the inaugural MMQB Ratings.
Fair is fair, Mr. Legend of Billie Jean, and you’re right, I’m not surprised. And did Manning compete directly against Brady in some pay-per-view event of which I was unaware (like Summer Slam or boxing or that 150 meter race between Michael Johnson and Donovan Bailey[link])?
“Ultimate reward”? What? The man just won the Super Bowl and you’re saying that—oh, wait. I get it. Peter is mocking the inanity of his own column. Plus, kudos for saying “inaugural” and not “first annual” (especially because first annual implies something that I don’t even want to think about).
I'd take Drew Brees over
No, peeing in holy water is sacrilege. This is a just a preference for one quarterback over another, both of whom are pretty good, neither of whom is magnificent.
Want my upset specials in the top 10?
Do I!?
Try Vince Young and Jon Kitna. Young's the most feared young player in football right now. More feared than Reggie Bush.
Once you look at the list, you’ll note that being in the top third of the NFL as a quarterback isn’t the superlative that you might think. And Peter’s right about Vince Young. His FII (Fear Inducing Index) is scary. (But Peter should have asked around USC’s athletic department for people who currently fear Reggie Bush.)
It's not that I don't like Donovan McNabb. I do. I just don't trust him to stay healthy. I rank the Eagles' QB 12th because I have no confidence that McNabb, at 30 and having missed a combined 13 games over the last two years, will be upright in December.
Remember this when you see that Brett Favre is 14th.
Ben Roethlisberger 17th? What gives? From Year 1 to Year 2 of his career, his completion percentage dropped 3.7 points; from year
I think that we did see six to eight weeks of the same guy last year, and he wasn’t particularly good.
Mike Vick's understudy will be better this year than Mike Vick.
Former understudy, and, yes, Schaub is certainly off to a better start than is Vick, though Schaub is worthless to someone who wants to see one pit bull kill another (allegedly).
Eli Manning, who could playing for two jobs this year (his own and Tom Coughlin's), enters the pop charts at number 23. He'll need to be feistier and significantly more accurate, neither of which I am confident will happen, to save his career in the Meadowlands.
A kind of clever first sentence, though I’m not sure that I consider feistiness to be the attribute that Peter does.
Rex Grossman's got some improving to do.
No exactly litotes, which is a shame because litotes is a great word.
I hadn't seen such a low-performing passer in the Super Bowl since Trent Dilfer with the Ravens seven years ago, and quite frankly I'm surprised the Bears didn't get some insurance at the position with a youngster in the draft. I have him 27th, fairly ridiculous for a first-round pick who started in the Super Bowl.
Peter isn’t being fair here because he includes winning as his first criterion for this list (and that is winning football games, not direct individual competitions like ping pong or golf or vying for the affections of former Playmate of the Year Heather Kozar).
As for how I arrived at my picks, other than with a divining rod, I used a few measuring sticks.
Nice parallelism in the metaphor.
I value wins from my quarterback, which helped Manning and Brady, the leaders in victories over the last two years. I value postseason success; their seven combined wins over the past two years is significant. Completion percentage and yards-per-attempt are the two passing stats I value the most because they tell you how often a quarterback succeeds in efficiently moving the chains through the air. Finally, intangibles. Brady led all passers with a 10 on a 10-point scale, because he's a coach, an offseason facilitator, a free-agent recruiter -- and he does it while retaining respect from the guys he often has to lean on hard.
I told you about wins, and postseason success would seem to favor Grossman, too (not that I think he’s good, of course, just that the first two criteria should favor him quite a bit). Remember when Peter was defending Brett Favre a few weeks ago and he cherry picked some stats and did meaningless analysis with them? Yeah, he didn’t mention completion percentage or yards/attempt (I did because I’m not trying to prop up a charismatic aging superstar). Finally, we have a bullshit dump called “intangibles” because Peter needs some way to massage these rankings as he sees fit. And how can someone actually go through the intellectual process of discussing “intangibles” and then assign a quantitative value to them? What was that about measuring sticks? Also, note how the last sentence finally acknowledges the role of a qb’s teammates for his success even though we get the blunt instrument of “wins” as a first standard of a quarterback’s play.
And hey -- don't go saying, "King's such an idiot! He thinks Jon Kitna's one of the best quarterbacks in football.'' That's not what I think. What I think is by the end of this year, we'll have seen Kitna as one of the 10 most productive quarterbacks in the NFL this year.
What is the difference between “best” and “most productive”? That is to say, what is the difference between performance and identity as far as we should care when evaluating athletes? Peter even accounts for intangibles, so what’s the problem?
One final note: Now that he's won the Super Bowl, how special is Peyton Manning, and how long a shadow must he cast for his little brother in
But Peyton has only 9/10 intangibles (shadow casting is actually a tangible and is calculated with actual, literal measuring sticks). And I’m not even sure how to talk about intangibles. Are they discrete quantities, as in, “How many intangibles does Tom Brady have?”—a prodigious fuckload, you’ll no doubt answer—or is intangibles a continuous quantity, as in, “How much intangibles does Eli Manning have? Four? Then who has less [note: not fewer]? No one? Then how does the scale go from 1 to 10?” Either way, I think that a twelve-sided die should be involved here.
By the way, can we ever expect a sportswriter to say that “putting up great numbers” is a really good thing and usually equals “played really well”? Brett Favre, by the way, who hasn’t played well or put up good numbers, receives an intangibles score (heretofore an oxymoron quotient) of 8, but Peter fails to note that a solid 3.5-4.0 of that 8 are Brett’s intangibles in favor of an opposing defense.
On to the quotes of the week
QotW I
"People talk about them not being very exciting. All they have done is won four world championships, played great defense. There is nothing wrong with that motto right there.''
-- Giants coach Tom Coughlin, talking about the
My personal motto: a list of two facts is not a motto.
QotW II
"I didn't know paintball was that dangerous. I hope it wasn't friendly fire.''
-- Washington linebacker Marcus Washington, commenting on the injury suffered by first-round pick LaRon Landry at a team-building exercise among defensive players on Wednesday. Landry missed practice Friday after getting pelted in the groin by a paintball pellet.
At least this is funnier than Westbrook v.
QotW III
"I can still pop on the film and show you I am still the best at what I do.''
-- Giants defensive end Michael Strahan, 35, who will have to prove that all over again in 2007. He has missed 15 games due to injury over the past three years and has 18.5 sacks over that period.
Yes, film from 2003. Let’s do the time warp again.
FotWTMIOPK
Pepsi has introduced cucumber soda in
Seems the company thinks people will find cucumber soda an alluring way to beat the heat this summer.
De gustibus non est disputandam (praecipue in Iapan)
A/ETNotW
As someone who loves train travel, and who takes the train up and down the East Coast quite often -- I did it again last week for an anniversary trip -- I can sit quietly no longer about the state of the Boston station in Back Bay. What a dump. Grimy, smelly, humid, with a crummy waiting room. Washington's train station is a thing of beauty, almost a destination in and of itself.
Yes, literally dozens of people get the wrong impression of
SotW
This actually is a good stat: the NBA finals drew an average of 6.9 million TV households—of 113 million—per game. Peter compares that number to a true dog of an NFL game:
Remember the late-night Monday night opener on ESPN last year between
The Raiders-Chargers debacle was seen by 7.9 million American TV households.
Well-argued, Peter, and the NBA does look pretty bad by comparison, but, hey, you always talk about popular the NFL is. Peter’s reasoning is a little specious, though. To wit:
We all know football is king in this country, but if the best the NBA has to offer gets trounced by the worst the NFL has to offer ... well, the NBA is in more than a little trouble.
One, I don’t think that anyone would argue that the Spurs/Cavs final was “the best the NBA had to offer,” at least in the sense that such a series is an optimal draw. The NBA’s problem is that it produces a dog of a finals too often; i.e., we’re not seeing the best the league has to offer. Two, no one at the time knew that the Chargers/Raiders game was “the worst the NFL had to offer.” Play that game in December and see what happens, especially since the bloom on ESPN’s newly carried MNF would have since diminished and doubly since everyone (even those cucumber-soda-drinking types in Japan) would know how absolutely wretched the Raiders were.
And, while we all know that the Raiders suck in ways outlawed in seven states, we don’t yet know what PK thinks he thinks. Fortunately, he’s going to tell us.
1. I think one of the best ideas this league has had in a while is to gather all the team medics in one place to discuss concussions and head injuries -- which will occur in
Those team medics have no idea what’s coming. Hooray for misplaced modifiers (or does a spin cycle through the NFL’s official party line count as a head injury?)
It's good that the NFL isn't bringing in only the doctors who agree with the league's approach to treating head trauma. The league has also invited critics of the way head injuries and concussions are treated. I expect computerized baseline tests of brain function to soon become mandatory for all NFL players [emphasis added].
Pacman Jones may as well quit now.
"Safety comes first,'' commissioner Roger Goodell said to a group of sports editors in April. "At no time should competitive issues override medical issues.'' I think he honestly means it. On Tuesday, we'll start to find out for sure.
My guess is that the anti-scientific skepticism on this issue will approach such proportions that subsequent meetings will appropriately be held at that new creationism museum in
2. I think Brett Favre's sore shoulder means nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's June. He's been sore before, in a lot of different places, in the spring and summer.
A fair point, though one might wonder if that routine soreness is the mark of man well past his prime. Well, one not named Peter King.
3. I think the best story I've heard in a while is about a guy not forgetting where he was.
I was hoping for something approaching Spinal Tap high jinks (I shouldn’t hope for things).
In Saints camp on the last day of the offseason program, defensive end Charles Grant called over the club's vice president of communications, Greg Bensel, handed him a wad of $100 bills -- 20 to be exact -- and told him he wanted to buy lunch for all the women who work in the team offices. "Can you make it happen?'' Grant asked Bensel. He did, handing the $2,000 to GM Mickey Loomis' administrative assistant, who organized the luncheon field trip for the 20 women in the building. Way to remember where you came from, Charles.
Charles Grant is from somewhere where lunch is a hundred bucks a head? Was he raised dining only at political fundraisers?
4. I think, speaking of New Orleans, that even though our government continues to pretend that everything is fine there 20 months after Katrina, everything is decidedly not fine.
Sometimes I appreciate Peter’s beating on hobbyhorses (ignore the mixed metaphor).
And it's up to organizations like the Reggie White Foundation, with its Crescent Rising Program, to continue, brick by brick, the arduous process of rebuilding the town and its environs. Even in death, White is making a difference. This program is taking on the thankless job of efficient and safe home demolition, because there are thousands and houses that can't be properly rehabbed or rebuilt until the rotting timber and ruined guts are torn down. It's wonderful to build homes, obviously, but the first step in home rebuilding and home rehabbing is the very un-sexy job of demolition. I applaud the foundation for taking on this worthy project.
Crescent Rising? Without the imprimatur of Reggie White, I’d have sworn that that name would have something to do with Islam. Kudos to the group, which I assume isn’t demolishing the houses of homosexuals (unless they don’t want their houses demolished?). And, as Graham Greene tells us in “The Destructors,” destruction is, after all, a form of creation.
5. I think no one has any sympathy for Jets guard Pete Kendall's contract demands, which he stridently whined about the other day at a
PK’s right. The only strident whining that we’ll accept around here will come from aging liabilities who play quarterback and want to wear the general-manager pants.
6. I think the interesting thing in reading the newspaper clips from May and June is this: Everyone's going 16-0 this year. All the offseason adjustments are working everywhere. One lone exception: a very good story by Neil Hayes in the Chicago Sun Times questioning the Bears' shift of Devin Hester from defense to offense, with some solid reporting and good quotes from the last man to play electrically both ways -- Roy Green.
Exaggerating dumb hyperbole is like the worst rhetorical move ever.
7. I think Jeff Garcia said what I thought about his situation after he played so well down the stretch last season. "I felt personally snubbed,'' he told reporters at Donovan McNabb's charity golf tournament. Garcia still can't figure out why the Eagles didn't seriously try to sign him after he led the team to the playoffs. Neither can I.
I wonder if Donovan McNabb’s petulant reaction to a second-round pick of a quarterback might reveal some nugget of information relevant to this situation.
After a few actual football thoughts, we get our weekly non-football treats. I feel like Augustus Gloop.
a. I know it's illegal to even imply this, but there's not a lot of better things to do in the world on a nice early-summer night than smoke a Cuban Cohiba, which I was lucky enough to be able to do the other night to celebrate 27 years of wedded bliss.
Imply—to involve or indicate by inference, association, or necessary consequence rather than by direct statement.
Umm, that’s not what Peter just did.
b. Who woke up Kaz Matsui? The guy's playing like Ichiro.
Lame and vaguely racist, and remember when I praised Peter for avoiding facile racial comparisons (Think-I-Think 6) between athletes when he compared Keyshawn and Drew Bennet? I rescind that praise.
i. Speaking of Monday-morning-quarterbacking the last show, David Chase knew exactly what he was doing in creating a show the world would alternately hate, tolerate and debate endlessly over the past week. And no, I do not believe Tony is dead. Isn't it a part of mob ethos that you don't whack a guy when he's out with his family?
It probably is, but, and I’m no Sopranos acolyte, hasn’t Tony violated various mob dicta like 57 times? Also, and I think, having watched the last few episodes, that this is part of the point: Tony Soprano is a colossally terrible human being in every milieu but a guy whom we like because we’re suckers with A.J.-level attention spans when our scruples are at stake. What rough beast, indeed, A.J. A terrible beauty is—what? Oh, John from Cincinnati is on (and is the kid in that show supposed to seem mentally deficient in some way?).
j. In the coming years, we'll be talking about a Sopranos movie or one more season the way our big brothers and sisters talked about a Beatles reunion before John Lennon died.
Yep, I remember having that very same conversation with my little brother six months before he was born in May 1981 (it wasn’t very articulate since I was only two and much more into Hershel Walker at that point in my life).
k. Got a couple of assignments this week for SI, but MMQB is going on summer vacation, returning July 16. Try not to miss me as much as I'll miss you.
That’s why I love you, PK: you have no idea how much I love you.
All of My Dreams Have Come True
The complete Traveling Wilburys is now available on CD. This has not been accessible since 1990. This is fantastic news.
Will JLD post something substantive ever again?
Is he busy, lazy, and bored with his own jokey perspective? Is he perhaps out of town?
OR
Has his brain been removed from his skull and held captive in an electrified bath of formaldehyde by a diabolical chipmunk/hamster genius for use in dangerous and forbidden thought-experiments?
Stay tuned...
(Click the picture to play video.)
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
"I put the Glue in...
...then I put the Blue in."
Results are in from the Jacksonville Mullet Contest.
Well, we now know at least one person saw Joe Dirt, or at least part of it.
Monday, June 11, 2007
AP: I'm here to help
1986.
"Former Bradley University student Ali al-Marri, is shown in this undated file photo."
UPDATE to Carolyn in comments: You are wrong. I have only seen Knocked Up in the theater, though I've got reviews of Curse of the Golden Flower, Kill Bill Vol. 2, Charlotte's Web, Volver, and Fast Food Nation coming from my DVD consumption. Patience.
As for Mr. Al-Marri's photo (note to gov't: just charge him with offenses against good taste and get on with the trial), I used a special technique called Hernandez-Dating, which takes the chronological median of a match with Willie Hernandez and one with Keith Hernandez, and hence, I got 1986. Very advanced technique.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Four (4) Miles!
FOUR?
Up to 50mph.
FIFTY MILES PER HOUR?
"Police said the man was unharmed and unfazed by the incident. The young man said it was quite a ride."
UNFAZED? QUITE A RIDE?
I don't have anything to say.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
I don't like to pick on little girls
But the young lady featured in this NY Times article has the single most pretentious name I can think of that isn't Fontleroy or doesn't have a III after it. And even though I'm criticizing a name is directed more at the girl's parents than the child herself, giving her a little bit of the treatment she is certain to dish out in a few years on her non-blond classmates named something more plain, like say, Jane, will just help balance her karmic account. So everyone, join in, poke a little fun, and help keep "Presleigh Montemayor" from becoming the snooty bitch her parents clearly want her to be.
Also, I haven't read beyond the first paragraph, but it's really the only article I have ever seen about children and the Internet that doesn't prominently feature the word "predator" or "pedophile."
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Facendo un Giro di con Tourette's
Quentin Tarantino on the state of Italian filmmaking:
"New Italian cinema is just depressing," Tarantino said. "Recent films I've seen are all the same. They talk about boys growing up, or girls growing up, or couples having a crisis, or vacations of the mentally impaired."
Tell me about it. If I see Roberto Benigni in another "Rain Man Lives La Dolce Vita," sto andando vomitare, if you know what I mean. Though maybe I should dust off my screenplay (you know, the one about the oft-bullied but smart and witty adolescent boy who is basically raising his sister (who has Down Syndrome) on his own because his widowed schizophrenic mother has two personalities that are constantly falling in and out love with each other, but they all bond together on a peaceful little trip to the ocean and have a nice time until the sister almost drowns) and have it translated into Italian.
Monday, June 4, 2007
To Me, This is Too Much
I like a good managerial rant now and then, and do think that sometimes (oftentimes, in fact), umpires take themselves far too seriously and purposely escalate disputes to exercise a bit of otherwise atrophied authority. Calling balls, strikes, and outs can get tedious, I guess, and as an ump, no one ever really enjoys your work. You're either unnoticed or thoroughly excoriated. Still, it's what you signed up for. On the other hand, this is far too much. It's mildly amusing before it gets plain stupid. Come on, Mississippi Braves manager Phil Wellman, you're a grown man. A double-A manager in Mississippi, yes, but still: a grown man. Act like one. Here's the tape:
Also, a question: are all the Braves minor league affiliates called the Braves?
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Built for Manly Exertions
Well, this exists.
Also: these things are not cheap!
Some highlights:
- Warning: Buying a Utilikilt may lead to feelings of smugness, freedom and absolute, unabashed manliness. We've got 7 styles of Utilikilts to cover your ass in every occasion. Stock up and donate your pants to the homeless.
- The Workman's also has our Modesty Closure System. This is simply a snap at the bottom front of the kilt that can be snapped to the center back of the kilt, turning it into shorts! (It's a nice thing to do when your friend is standing below you holding the ladder!)
- Built for manly exertions, the Spartan has more style than you've got energy.
- The Tuxedo model kilt from Utilikilts is the way to make a tuxedo even classier!
- And, regarding the "Leather" model: Pure sex, baby. Nuff said.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Sometimes Athletes Do Nice Things
Caron Butler of the Washington Wizards showed up a 15-year-old kid's surprise birthday party, and hung out in the basement watching basketball. I wouldn't even do that, mostly because kids that age are generally pretty big jerks (strange hormonal times, you know?), so good for Caron.
My favorite part of the article about the party, though, is the crack reporting that went into getting this story: "WRC found out about the party through Lindsay Czarniak's hairdresser's son."
Thursday, May 24, 2007
May I suggest "Jaggerfish"
From a very interesting article (interesting mostly for the pictures, I'll admit) about deep, deep sea life, we get this image of an "as yet unidentified species":
Since this picture exists, I'll assume by "unidentified" they mean "not yet named." If any marine biologists are out there reading, angry that becoming a marine biologist did not necessarily guarantee them a chance to tumble with Shamu, and looking to make a name for themselves, I offer this advice: Name this sucker (no pun intended), and don't name him after yourself. They named the dumbo octupus on a pop culture visual reference, you do the same for this red weirdo.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
The Whole Call
Courtesy of America's Mayer (Trademark, Guiliani--in your face!) we get the whole 911 call of the wickedly entertaining stoned cop and amateur baker. Apparently, he did call his mom--well, his mother-in-law--and he's a Detroit Red Wings fan. It's worth listening to the whole thing. I especially like his evasiveness on the question of how much pot he "bought" (he confiscated it as a policeman, in case you forgot) and whether there were any weapons in the house (presumably, because he didn't want them to know he was an officer).
More PK: Around the World League in 3700 Words
News Flash: Peter King starts his column about an NFL game in
NEWS FLASH: The Chiefs are likely to be the next international host for a regular-season game. Look for
I get the news part, but where’s the flash? Also, maybe the Bills should relocate to
"I think we're going to Deutschland,'' club president Carl Peterson told me last week. "All teams are eventually going to play a game outside the
One other important factor here: No other NFL exec is as into NFL Europa (nee World League of American Football, nee NFL Europe, nee NFL Spring League That No One in
I hadn’t realized that NFL Europa had gone through so many name changes. Plus, maybe the proximity of Rhein-Main Air Base to
Which brings me to the point of this column: Roger Goodell is very quickly putting his mark on the sport, and he's doing it by having an open mind.
Except about the NFL’s ridiculous drug policy. The doors of perception are closed.
You've seen the trial balloons floated in the past few weeks. A league official mentions the idea of a 17-game schedule to an Associated Press reporter, and soon it's the hot talk of every NFL blogger in the business. A
And watch Peter King cry about Quinn’s ruining an otherwise acceptable meal.
ESPN.com's Len Pasquarelli reports the first stuff about the snail's-pace first-round timing likely being reduced from 15 minutes to, possibly, 10. (And hallelujah for that. Shorten the second round to five while you're at it, competition committee, and every other round to three minutes.) I'm writing the NFL-in-Germany likelihood. And Goodell loves it all.
We get it, Peter. The NFL is very popular, and you’re part of the buzz.
First: It is late May, and none of us who have covered the NFL have seen the Hot Stove hotter at this time of year. Everywhere you turn -- from the bad news (Mike Vick, Pacman, Tank Johnson) to the wheeling-dealing news (Randy Moss) to the innovative (17-game schedule, Friday Night Draft, European football, Chinese football) -- there's an NFL story in the hopper.
First, you just mentioned the last three things on the first page. Second, don’t act like you didn’t present the Moss deal as anything but bad news. Third, I thought that the hot stove referred to off-season deals and stuff, not dog-fighting rings and paralyzed Vegas bouncers.
Second: By virtue of the floated stories, Goodell gets to read the tea leaves from the NFL machine. Players, coaches, GMs, the media and fans can respond and react, something that often didn't start until after meetings like the spring session the league will convene Tuesday in
Right, the NFL is very good at insinuating itself into the sports media all year, but “read[ing] the tea leaves” makes the whole process sound a bit haphazard and mystical, which it most certainly isn’t.
Third: Goodell is doing what he promised owners he'd do when he was quietly pushing for the job a year ago. He stressed three things in the search process -- keeping the game strong, keeping all 32 franchises competitive, and making sure everyone in the league was focused on the innovations that would keep the league one of the strongest entertainment entities in the world.
Maybe the Raiders suck just because Al Davis wants to spite Goodell and to foil thing number two.
Stat of the Week
This is how idiotic the trend toward re-doing perfectly good contracts is getting.
Fourteen months ago,
A few months after earning the last of the $5.2 million his first year called for in salary and bonus,
Right, it’s not like the Jets can simply undo a perfectly good contract on a whim and at any time.
Let's extrapolate. The salary cap has gone up $24 million over the last two years. If all the players who signed four-year contracts in the last two years suddenly felt they were grossly underpaid, and said they weren't playing football again until their contract was fixed, what do you think would happen? I'll tell you what: There'd be 250 players skipping mini-camps and offseason programs right now, and there'd be a job-action crisis unlike any we've seen in this league in years.
So every other position in the NFL saw the boon that guards did in the offseason? And what kind of asshole threatens to skip mini-camp? This kind.
Oh, and one other thing:
Sounds as though he knows his time is limited, and Peter, for someone who is so frequently sympathetic to the plights of older, crippled NFL retirees, doesn’t seem to be putting two and two together on this one.
Some contract causes are just.
So some guys who just signed those four-year contracts are getting screwed—do they get to complain, and should we extrapolate to the entire league again?
FotWtMIOPK
In 1976, Cornell football coach George Seifert, in the midst of a disastrous 3-15 two-year run at the Ivy League school, prowled the sidelines during a 28-12 loss to Brown in upstate
In the Cornell radio booth that day, as he was for every game of the Big Red's debacle of a season, was student broadcaster Keith Olbermann.
In the visitors' radio booth that day was Brown student broadcaster Chris Berman.
The next season in which Seifert was a head coach (1989), he won a Super Bowl with the 49ers, while Berman and Olbermann critiqued him for ESPN.
No shit. Do you think that Brown students were as tired of Berman’s shtick (which is about the nicest way possible to refer to what that guy does) as we are now?
Oh, but this factoid isn’t of interest just to PK. The caption on an accompanying picture of a grinning Olbermann reads, “Keith Olbermann will co-host NBC's 'Football Night In
A/ETNotW
Aggravating doesn’t begin to cover it for one motorist.
Eyewitnessed at the Pilgrim Shopping Plaza,
Woman in late-model minivan, just in front of me, begins to turn right into a row of parked cars, looking for a parking space. She slams her brakes suddenly, causing me to slam mine. The reason: Another woman, this one in a tan Audi, is driving slowly down the row, right in the middle of the row, with a cell phone pressed to her ear. The Audi women is not paying attention, until the minivan woman leans on her horn continuously for a full five seconds. Now the minivan woman puts her car in park and, with her van cutting off the Audi, gets out of the car. I've never seen this before. Audi woman looks steamed.
As I am fond of saying, the biggest asshole is the asshole who forces someone else to be an asshole. Here’s a classic example. Minivan woman is the aggrieved party, but Audi woman is angry when she is called out for her inconsiderate behavior. Fuck you, Audi woman. Fuck you straight to hell.
"GET OFF YOUR *&%#ING PHONE! GET OFF YOUR &^%#ING PHONE!'' minivan woman yells while walking to the window of Audi woman. Audi woman's window is closed. Good thing. Minivan woman would slug her in the jaw if the window were open.
So what does “*&%#” sound like, anyway?
I find myself cheering on minivan woman. Where's the enforcement of the cell-phone laws in some states, the ones that mandate users not be holding the phone while driving?
Regular readers of PK’s MMQB should know why this is so funny, but I’ll explain anyway. One, Peter routinely decries violence in the media (except for the violence that occurs in The Sopranos—and how about A. J., hunh? Also, word to the wise: do not lewdly proposition Meadow Soprano with crude double-entendres about cream on her face). Two, several times, including just last week, Peter has noted the total awesomeness of chatting on the cell phone while driving.
I can’t wait to find out what happened.
Minivan woman yammers some really good
Go get her, minivan woman!
While minivan woman is a modern-day hero, we should all remember that sometimes the minivan women of the world end up like this.
That is, buried in a cemetery with big barrels in it.
QotW II
"I want to go on record. Charlie [Frye] is our guy. With our new offensive system, Charlie could be looking at a big year.''
--
Romeo Crennel and Phil Savage will be surprised to hear that, after spending next year's first-round pick and this year's second-rounder on Brady Quinn.
Don’t blame Braylon, PK. He’s just operating by the Official Brett Favre Rules of Players-as-General-Managers. Phil Savage needs to get on the same page with Braylon.
QotW III
"It might cause some friction. If you're going to be part of the team, you should be there always. To be a part of the team, you have to be there with the team.''
-- New York Yankees relief pitcher Kyle Farnsworth about the prospect of Roger Clemens coming and going as he pleases when he joins the team later this month.
It certainly will cause some friction now.
QotW IV
"Say good-bye to that high moral ground, Bob. The Patriots ... put their standards on the shelf in the quest for victory. They might be the best team in football, but the Patriots are no longer 'different' from all the other NFL organizations.''
-- Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy, to Patriots owner Bob Kraft, in the wake of the Patriots trading for serial loafer Randy Moss and drafting safety Brandon Meriweather in the first round. Meriweather fired gunshots at an assailant last year, and also stomped on a
When did the New England Patriots become a cross between Teach for
Onward: I may not know much, but I know what I think I think.
1. I think this is the sign that Peyton Manning is not satisfied with winning one Super Bowl, courtesy of Tony Dungy: When he reported to the offseason program, Manning was told three veterans had not reported to the voluntary workouts and did not plan to report. "Give me their phone numbers,'' Manning said, and he called them, and he got at least two of them to come in for some of the workouts. "He hasn't changed a bit,'' Dungy told me. "His love of the game is so great to see.''
I am two-thirds impressed by that story, which is one-sixth more impressed than how German Herman Edwards is.
2. I think the evidence mounts, Mike Vick. If you've got anything the authorities are going to uncover, it's always better to come clean before you're forced to. Remember Luis Castillo? He was about to get embarrassed by a positive steroid test before the 2005 draft, and he contacted all 32 teams with a pre-emptive strike, explaining why he tested positive and how he'd never use steroids again. He got picked in the first round, hasn't had a whit of a problem since, and has been an Eagle Scout off the field. We forgive in
So Michael Vick was holding dog fights to recuperate from an injury suffered his senior year of college that could have tanked his stock in the draft? Also, why is cheating to enrich one’s self okay?
Think-I-Think 3 is a 349-word bit on the NFL Network cable stuff that PK mentioned last week, 265 of which are by NFL Network shill Seth Palansky. Yeah, I don’t care either.
5. I think in six months, the
I think that, if one polled the Giants players, they’d wish that right now.
6. I think the reason Keyshawn Johnson is a great fit with Tennessee is simple: He is Drew Bennett, only with two years left instead of five.
Noteworthy because Peter makes the rare cross-racial sports comparison—well-done. PK > latent racism.
7. I think I'm late in praising a superb story by Ron Borges in the Boston Globe eight days ago regarding Randy Moss and what he has left.
Borges quotes former Raiders offensive coordinator Tom Walsh as saying: "Randy Moss is a player whose skills are diminishing, and he's in denial of those eroding skills. Randy was a great receiver but he lacked the work ethic and the desire to cultivate any skills that would compensate for what he was losing physically later in his career. He told me last year, 'I'm too old to practice on Wednesday and Thursday, but I'm not too old to play on Sunday.' Did they start a senior league?' ''
Peter is clearly determined to make sure that we know his opinions about Moss, but hasn’t Steve McNair pioneered the no-practice-during-the-week-play-on-game-day move? Did any of his coaches accuse him of wanting to join a senior league?
The skeptics among us would say that Walsh should have stayed retired in
However -- and this is an important however -- people can change when they have to change. And Moss knows he has to change. He has talked with Bill Belichick, and I'm pretty sure the Randy Moss who attends his first official team function -- the Patriots' full-squad mini-camp the first week of June -- will be on his best behavior, and he'll be running hard when training camp starts in late July. If he's not, we'll find out soon enough. And remember the one thing I've said about Moss all along: The Patriots still have the next three-plus months to make a determination on Moss without it costing them anything other than a fourth-round draft choice and some very bad publicity.
People can change? What? I thought that the deal was bad no matter the outcome. And more bad publicity than the deal has already received in the e-pages of MMQB? Randy Moss must envy W.’s approval rating.
8. I think the rookie who's made the worst first impression in the three weeks since draft day, easily, is
Again with the jillionaire stuff? The biggest uh-oh is that Robert Meachem thinks that nine meals can make him nineteen pounds overweight. Get this guy a personal nutritionist now. Also, Robert Meachem always seemed to be an underachiever to me when he was at
And now to the dessert (or desert, probably), the non-football think-I-thinks.
a. It's quite possible that I am a loon, but I love that AFLAC goat commercial.
Is that a pun on loon/crazy/waterfowl-like-a-duck? That commercial is terrible. Maybe ABC will develop a pilot about it.
b. Eric Hinske's the kind of guy you really want to root for.
Eric Hinske’s the kind of guy
c. How great would it have been to see the look on George Steinbrenner's face when he opened up the Tampa Tribune Friday morning and noticed that, after 39 games, his Yankees were 9.5 games out of first place?
Historically great if that’s the first time that Steinbrenner noticed that the Yankees are getting their asses handed to them. And I know that Big Stein is old, but does he really get this type of info from his morning newspaper?
d. In their first 40 games the Red Sox were 14-6 at home, 14-6 on the road.
That’s almost as eerie as the fact that the
g. Speaking of NBC, we had some Football Night in America meetings last week in
More kissing of Tiki Barber’s ass. And speaking of filters, maybe run that biiiiggggg and anti-that through the Professional Writer 3000 next time.
h. Christopher deserved it.
Then what does Tony deserve?
i. Coffeenerdness: Can't go wrong on an 83-degree spring day in New Jersey by ordering a Grande Light Java Chip frap, no whip, with a shot of espresso mixed in. Not only does it get the nerve endings jangling, but, as Kramer said in the Junior Mint episode on Seinfeld: "It's very refreshing.''
And, if offered to me, I would push it away, spilling it into a surgical patient’s open abdominal cavity. By the way, should so much of that drink order be capitalized?
j. It pleases me to have gotten 10 or so e-mails on the Mr. Ed episode with people recalling how Ed slid into home plate under the tutelage of Leo Durocher. Not sure if it's true, but I'd always hears the ASPCA didn't like that episode because, allegedly, Ed was sedated and had his hooves tied together, and he was dragged across home plate. So it just looked like he was sliding into home.
Now it is sounding like this clip does belong in the running (or the being-tied-up-and-dragging) for funniest thing in the history of television.
k. How'd I ever get on that tangent?
Your trainer put peanut butter under your lips and your hands started typing? (That’s pretty much how I operate.)
n. Next week, I'll be skipping my first Monday column since last July. Off to
Just for good measure, HPP will be touching down in da Vinci airport early next week to file his usual reports on PK’s madness. By the way, I cannot wait to read his stuff about
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Road Signs
My dad sent this along, and posting it here probably violates some copyright laws or syndication contracts or something. (So if you find this here, Universal Press Syndicate or whoever, I'll take it down. I just don't think you'll ever find me. Welcome, if you do.) It's really here to lead me to an entirely insignificant observation I made while driving through a well-to-do neighborhood near mine the other day. While passing through the "Traffic Calming Area," I grew a little agitated. What had formerly been labeled "Speed Humps" (giggle) were now called "Speed Tables" on the yellow warning signs next to them. There's probably a distinction, as I believe there is between the little raised asphalt strips found mostly in parking lots known as "speed bumps" and the higher, more rounded "humps." I agree with that nomenclature, for what it's worth. "Table," however, strikes me as a really dumb word for what amounts to a speed hump and/or a raised crosswalk, and I suspect the reason they're called "speed tables" and not either of the former is that:
- (a) they are located in an upscale neighborhood and "table" seems classier, though really the bar for "classier" isn't that high when "humps" is part of the conversation
- (b) they're not at a reasonable crossing place, and
- (c) teenagers kept stealing their signs.
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