Important Dick Van Patten News

In our two-dog house, we're relatively concerned about the world-wide conspiracy to rid the Earth of dogs (you'll never best Romania, conspirators!), so I appreciate Mr. Van Patten's decision to throw off the Mr. Bradford cardigan in favor of the Chef Woofgang apron. Beyond that, I have to question the marketing angle here, which feels like a half-hearted effort at becoming the Epcot Center of canned dog food (cf. pic above). My only other comments are:

a) Dick Van Patten is the best dressed hobo I've ever seen. His dog is also the best dressed hobo dog I've ever seen, since he's wearing a suitcase for a collar.

b) First, look at the ingredients for "Irish" stew:

Ingredients: Beef, Potatoes, Water, Carrots, Tomatoes, Modified Food Starch, Beef Fat, Salt, Sucrose, Beef Stock, Caramel Color, Tricalcium Phosphate, Natural Flavoring, Minerals (Zinc Amino Acid Chelate, Zinc Oxide, Ferrous Sulfate, Manganese Sulfate, Manganese Amino Acid Chelate, Copper Sulfate, Copper Amino Acid Chelate, Potassium Iodide, Sodium Selenite), Vitamins (Choline Citrate, Vitamin E Supplement, Niacin Supplement (Vitamin B3), Vitamin A Acetate, Thiamine Mononitrate (Vitamin B1), Ascorbic Acid (Vitamin C), Biotin Supplement, Vitamin D3 Supplement, D-Calcium Pantothenate (Vitamin B5), Vitamin B12 Supplement, Pyridoxine Hydrochloride (Vitamin B6), Riboflavin (Vitamin B2), Folic Acid (Vitamin B9), Dehydrated Celery.


Now:

1. Dehydrated Celery? Disgusting. I wouldn't feed that to a squirrel. And why is it even in there, if it's the last ingredient? "Dehydrated Celery: the secret ingredient that makes Dick Van Patten's Irish Stew for dogs taste more like Irish Stew for astronauts."
2. I know this is "all natural" and the ingredients listed above may, in fact, be all natural, but if pyridoxine hydrochloride and D-Calcium Pantothenate is what's in all-natural dog food, what am I feeding my dogs now?
   
3. One more: Manganese Amino Acid Chelate? What is "chelate"? All natural? I'd almost rather eat something synthetic than something called "chelate." Oh no: My dogs are doomed. They're probably zombie dogs already, and we just haven't noticed.
   

c) Did you know that Luke Skywalker was originally cast in "Eight is Enough"? Neither did I! Check the Cast and Crew of the pilot, cleverly titled with a miserable mnemonic device for remembering the kids' names. (Get it? Mary, David, Joanie, Nancy, Elizabeth, Susan, Tommy, and Nicholas. Eight kids is (are) enough!)

d) Not that you care, but now that I've linked to the Bucharest dog story again, I'm aiming to make it my most-linked-to story. Send in your suggestions for topics obliquely related to feral dogs in Eastern Europe. (See: Linked it again! Bam! And again.)

f) Also, a gold star to anyone who can make a clever joke using "Ate is Enough" or a reference to Angela Lansbury/Murder, She Wrote.

e) Apparently, this Chef Woofgang business has been around for a little while, but I'm just learning about it. From John Hodgman's blog. That is all.

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Olfactometry

Maybe the good people of Ogden, Utah, need to join forces with IBI, inc.

"Stench is not the lasting memory that we want people to have in Ogden," he said.

I've never been there, and stench is already my lasting memory of the place, thanks to this very public referendum on Ogden's malodorous reputation. Just like I always think of feral dogs when I think of Bucharest.

A device known as an olfactometer would be used by city inspectors to determine if an odor had reached an objectionable level. Restaurants and bakeries would be exempt.

Seems to me that, of all businesses, you'd want your restaurants and bakeries to be emitting as little stench as possible. Maybe Ogdeners (Ogdenites?) really like exotic cheeses when they dine out.

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