The Whole Call

Courtesy of America's Mayer (Trademark, Guiliani--in your face!) we get the whole 911 call of the wickedly entertaining stoned cop and amateur baker. Apparently, he did call his mom--well, his mother-in-law--and he's a Detroit Red Wings fan. It's worth listening to the whole thing. I especially like his evasiveness on the question of how much pot he "bought" (he confiscated it as a policeman, in case you forgot) and whether there were any weapons in the house (presumably, because he didn't want them to know he was an officer).

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Death by Chocolate

Everyone gets a kick out of this news story, especially Parella (not pictured) and the other members of the Q13 news team. The clip is only a minute, but depending what kind of snack you just ate, it might last a really really really really long time.



Other calls this officer might have made before dialing 911:

To the classic rock station: "I requested 'Stairway to Heaven' like an hour ago, dude, and you've been playing 'Roxanne' over and over again. I'm a cop, don't make me arrest you. (Pause.) What's that? 2 minutes ago? No way, man. It's been an hour. Honey, hasn't it been at least an hour? See. (Pause.) OK, then. I'll wait, but I'm losing my patience. (Pause.) No, I can't get a speeding ticket wiped off your record over the phone. (Pause.) OK, I'll see what I can do. (Pause.) I understand that it's hard to drive 55, but the speed limit is 65 in most places now. (Pause.) OK, Mr. Hagar, I mean Sam, I promise I'll see what I can do. Just get me some LedZep soon, OK? Wait a minute: Sam Hagar? Are you screwing with me?"

To his police chief: "I mean, what is a badge really, Chief? I mean, it's just a piece of metal. Why do we think we can just force people do what we want. I don't like calling it law en-FORCE-ment, man. Why don't we call it law encouragement? I'm just a live-and-let-live kind of guy, Chief. You dig that, right? Chief?"

To his mom: "I was just thinking about how great your brownies were, Mom. I love you, Mom. Really love you. You're the best. I remember how alive your brownies made me feel. [His wife]'s brownies make me feel kind of dead, you know? (Pause.) No, Mom. Not dead inside. Actually dead. (Pause.) Our marriage is fine. I'm fine. Actually, I'm not. I think the guy across the street is watching me. Really really watching me. Can you come over? I'm scared. And I don't feel good. (Pause.) OK, I'll call 911."

To the local funeral home: "Uh, yeah. I think my wife and I are both dead. (Pause.) Right, I think we're dead. Do you have, like, a family rate or a two-for-one deal, because I really think we're dead. (Pause.) No, sir, this is not a prank call."

Or, maybe he called Eric Stoltz's character from Pulp Fiction, asking him to bring his super-long adrenaline-filled hypodermic needle.

Thanks to my sister Carolyn for not bogarting this clip.

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