A brief prefatory note: every week, I spend an embarrassing amount of time breaking down Peter King’s weekly opus “Monday Morning Quarterback” and sending my analysis (mostly smartassery with the occasional touch of facts and stuff) to two of my friends, one of whom happens to be the very JLD who authors this blog, who invited me aboard for this weekly exercise. And, since there ain’t a whole lot more internally incongruous than PK’s “MMQB,” with the possible exception of my weekly dissections of it, I hope that this sprawling mess fits here (or doesn’t—would that be point?)
and Peter King "Kong": Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones. You sure you got today's codes?
There have been approximately 6,023 rumors in the past month about Tampa Bay trading up to get the No. 2 pick from Detroit, because legend has it the Bucs are dying to pick Georgia Tech wide receiver Calvin Johnson. Inside the Tampa Bay draft meetings last week, I bet Bucs officials were having a good chuckle over some of those rumors. The funniest: Tampa would deal defensive end Simeon Rice to Detroit. Never mind that Rice is 33, definitely on the downside entering his 12th NFL season, and coming off a year in which he had shoulder surgery and missed half the season. Great rumor. That's the kind of guy you want to build your franchise around for the future.
Just because the Bucs are snickering about how retarded that trade would be doesn't mean that they think that Matt Millen wouldn't make it.
And your primary blogger JLD has some good thoughts on this point as well: Don't the Bucs now HAVE to trade Simeon Rice or cut him, because PK just exposed them laughing hysterically at the idea that he is worth a two slot bump in the draft. They're not laughing at the idea that Rice is possibly of equal worth as Calvin Johnson, which Simeon might acknowledge is the truth at this advanced stage of his career. They're laughing at the idea that Simeon Rice is not worth the DIFFERENCE between Calvin Johnson and, say, Adrian Peterson or Joe Thomas, two otherwise immensely talented and quite young individuals. Not Johnson, of course, but maybe SR thinks he's got enough gas left in the tank to be worth the difference between them. Lord. If my boss [name removed] sat around laughing about how some other school or company would be ridiculous to want me, and a reporter wrote about it in a national publication, I don't know how happy I would be.
Everyone knows -- and certainly the Bucs can divine this -- the Raiders will likely take a quarterback at No. 1, Detroit knows it has far bigger needs than Johnson at two....
List of Detroit's bigger needs that preclude drafting Johnson (in no particular order):
QB, RB, OL, DL, LB, CB, S, Matt Millen’s not being lynched outside his home. Actually, Detroit could probably use Matt Millen’s untimely demise at the hands of an angry mob quite a lot. It’s settled: draft Calvin Johnson.
One other point to be made from the Bucs' standpoint. Along with wondering if Johnson might be there at No. 4 anyway, Tampa Bay has to think: It's insane to move up unless we think the player we're after is going to be the difference in making the Super Bowl in the next year or two.
"Insane"? Really? Don't people draft high-dollar players in the top five picks all the time without hanging all the hopes and dreams of the franchise on them in two seasons? Even Jesus was given time to make his way up through the minors before he had to martyr himself for our salvation (that is to say, some figurative “our” to which I don’t belong).
That's the last reason they won't be moving up: In the most recent 23 drafts, nine receivers have been picked in the top five of the first round. Only one (Irving Fryar, New England, 1984) made an appreciable difference in helping his team get deep into the playoffs, and you've got to put an asterisk next to his name.
I don't like Keyshawn one bit, but that guy has made a difference where he's been, and PK is still establishing a ridiculous standard of success.
We then sparred about the money being spent and other topics. "I've never thought spending money at the top of a draft was out of whack,'' he said. "Do you think Bill Polian and the Colts think they spent too much to get Peyton Manning?''
No. But do you think the Chargers (Ryan Leaf) and Cards (Andre Wadsworth) like the value they got with picks two and three of that same 1998 draft?
Of course not, but this shit ain't exact. Why not bring up the 198 mistakes that preceded Tom Brady's pick at 199—those mistakes are just as costly. Some teams do incredibly stupid things at the top of the draft, but taking Leaf at #2 wasn't one that any reasonable person foresaw. Recall that many, many people thought that the Colts should have taken him, and PK didn’t have a problem with Leaf back in ’98, either.
2. I know it makes more sense for the Bucs to move down to No. 6 than it does for them to do anything else. If I'm Allen, this is what I'm thinking: My defense is older than Lauren Bacall. I've got a superb defensive coordinator, Monte Kiffin, trying to make chicken salad out of chicken feathers; and there are two players in this draft who are perfect for the defense we play, Clemson defensive end Gaines Adams and Louisville defensive tackle Amobi Okoye. At least one of them will be available at No. 6, where Washington currently resides. So if the Redskins are hot-to-trot over Johnson, Allen would be smart to deal down two slots.
So a defensive end will get them to the Super Bowl in two years but a receiver won't? And suddenly my reference to Montgomery Clift seems legitimately in play.
I won't quote it all, but here PK recounts a rant by Bill Polian about the recently leaked information from interviews in which some prospects admitted to smoking weed (whaaaa?). Anyway, it's a very good rant, and Polian's right, so good for him.
4. I know the Raiders, wisely, are zeroing in on JaMarcus Russell. Silence is golden, and no one around the Raiders is talking about their strategy. But let's try not to overthink this one. If the Raiders pass on the quarterback who makes scouts think of an Elway/Culpepper combo platter because of his arm strength and size, they'll be making a huge mistake.
(insert appropriate G.O.B. Bluth footage here)
5. I know the Lions will ignore the draft-trade value chart if they can find a suitor for their pick. I told a Cowboys official the other day: "That draft value chart you guys created is the dumbest thing I've ever seen, and it's got all the GMs in the league spooked.''
The "dumbest thing ever"? What Peter King exaggerate like?
The Lions, picking second, would be happy with a number of players, from what I hear, and are aggressively trying to trade down. I don't see it happening; but if it does, I know Matt Millen won't be tied to getting the exact value the chart dictates. "The chart is a guideline,'' one draft-board setter told me the other day. "It shouldn't be gospel. When you trade, you have to look at the market and see what the market will bear.''
That's why Matt Millen, who, as a healthy baby, fetched $30,000 on the black market, is an NFL gm.
6. I know Eric Wright is the most seductive player in this draft. Wright is a corner from UNLV.
And that's why Willie Roaf retired.
He transferred from USC after being accused of rape (the charges were later dropped) and having 136 tabs of Ecstasy found in his on-campus dorm room.
I cannot believe that Peter chose the word seductive to describe this guy two sentences before he wrote this sentence. Wow, just wow. and Frank Solich has just notified the police of another suspect in his drugging.
"He's the best cover corner in the draft, though he takes a few too many chances,'' this scout told me. One problem: Scouts can't figure out why the Vegas coaches subbed for him on quite a few series last year. It wasn't an injury, I'm told.
Because he was getting too handsy in the huddles—e does that to you. Every touch feels sooooo awesome.
Finally, one question for the NFL: Is the draft still working as the best tool to narrow the gap between good and mediocre teams in the sport? Seems to me the risk for being wrong in the top three is so great in salary cap and roster implications that we've totally gotten away from why the draft was set up, which was to make sure the teams on the bottom didn't stay there for long. I hope to address that issue in more depth after the draft.
Last week, Peter argued against cap relief for a team’s high-pick bust. Just saying.
"Our relationship wasn't great, because Coach Cowher was here before I got here and I was just a young kid. Coach Tomlin and I are rookies together, in a sense, so I think we will have a better relationship.''
-- Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, talking about his relationship with his old coach, Bill Cowher, and his current one, Mike Tomlin.
What an odd, odd thing to say. May I remind you, young Ben, that Bill Cowher put you in the starting lineup early in your rookie year, kept you there when you struggled mightily in the playoffs and was a very big reason why you have that gigantic ring on your right hand. Sheesh.
May I remind you, Peter King, that Ben Rothlesburgher (or whatever) didn't insinuate one part of your witty rejoinder?
"I lied. What can I tell you? I'm not going to defend it. I didn't plan on lying, but I did.''
-- New York Yankees manager Joe Torre, who said in spring training he would not pitch Mariano Rivera for more than one inning in a game this year. On Friday night, in game 15 of the Yankees' season, Torre inserted Rivera in the game with one out in the bottom of the eighth inning and New York ahead 6-3. Rivera promptly allowed four runs to score in a 7-6 loss to Boston.
Then, if he "promptly" allowed those runs, they had nothing to do with pitching (horror of horrors) more than one inning.
Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me
In 1955, the Steelers used the 281st pick to select Villanova tight end Mike Mayock.
In 1981, the Steelers used the 265th pick to select Boston College defensive back Mike Mayock.
Father and son.
Neither played a snap for the Steelers. The dad went into coaching. The son got cut by the Steelers, signed with the Giants, played for Ray Perkins and Bill Parcells (1982, 1983) and became a draft genius.
Yeah, probably this one is interesting to you alone, Peter. Even the Mayocks don't give a shit.
Note: Regarding the value of the fifth round, Baltimore safety Dawan Landry, San Diego running back Michael Turner and starting Super Bowl guard Jake Scott of Indianapolis were all picked between 139 and 154 in the last four NFL drafts.
No mention that Brady was picked in the eleventeenth round?
I don't see Tampa Bay moving up. As I wrote above, I see a better chance that Washington would try to get to No. 4, if Johnson's on the board. The Redskins could strike it rich ... but only if they're willing to sell their souls, as they usually are at this time of year, in next year's draft for satisfaction now.
Does he mean sell their future? To be fair, Dexter Manley accidentally sold his soul to the Devil, signing the contract Snuffy Smith style in a thumbprint and X, of course.
Regarding last week's note about the governor of New Jersey not wearing a seatbelt in the crash that nearly took his life on the Garden State Parkway: The trooper driving Jon Corzine from Atlantic City to his appointment in Princeton was traveling at 91 mph at the time of the crash. And the journalistic bible of our state, the Star Ledger, reports the trooper may have been on a cell phone or mobile device either at the time of the crash or shortly before, and that the trooper is in the middle of a love triangle with another cop and a woman who is divorcing the other cop. It can only happen in New Jersey, I believe. Isn't that what Tony Soprano says?
TV movie, and totally one that I'd watch. Maybe Shannen Doherty can play the other woman.
3. I think of all the excessive fines I've seen in my 23 years covering the NFL, $100,000 for Brian Urlacher wearing a hat with a non-NFL-sponsor logo at Super Bowl media day takes the cake. Absurd.
Whatever, Urlacher tried to cash in and got caught. Hell, he’ll probably come out ahead on the deal. And if he has any stones, he'll start wearing a white headband with "ROZELLE" on it in big black letters.
4. I think either I'm a 49-year-old square or the sports world has lost its collective mind.
I wonder what Prince thinks (back story: PK endlessly bitched and moaned about Prince several weeks before and after his, that is, Prince’s, totally bitching performance at the Super Bowl), though PK did drop that ultra hip and modern Lauren Bacall reference above.
Last week, the EA Sports firm, which produces the Madden video game, announced that Vince Young's picture would be on the game's box. The day before the announcement, outlets reported breathlessly about what EA Sports would do. The Nashville City Paper wrote that "a source with knowledge of the situation confirmed Young's gracing the cover of the game.''
And this stuff about a jinx for the last six players on the box getting injured the year they were featured on the box? The sport is football, people. Men get hurt, very often, playing football. And by the way, the only man I ever knew who seriously did not want to be on the cover of SI because of its supposed jinx was Bill Parcells, a card-carrying superstitious nut. Jinx, schminx.
Hey, maybe this should be in the running for dumbest thing you ever saw, right?
I don't think the Colts have lost too much ... yet. But it might be a matter of this:
Have the Patriots, who were a Tom Brady last-minute pick from winning the AFC title at the RCA Dome three months ago, gained enough this offseason to pass Indy?
The game was tight, but that's a generous characterization of its end.
6. I think this is assuming a lot, but if the lanky LSU QB goes first overall...
from the OED: lanky 1. a. Awkwardly or ungracefully lean and long.
And just so we’re clear, also from the OED: lean: 1. a. Wanting in flesh; not plump or fat; thin.
I'm now not sure what is this column’s most poorly chosen adjective, lanky or seductive. Note how I don’t need an unfettered superlative to make my point.
a. I think the saddest thing about the Virginia Tech tragedy is that we're starting to become hardened to these things. There's a fine line between moving on with life and realizing there's something seriously wrong in this country. The ease with which guns can be obtained, buying ammunition on eBay, ignoring the warning signs of a person gone mad ... there's a pretty long list of things to be concerned with after 33 people died in Virginia last week. I mean, what should be more safe on this planet than rolling out of bed on a bucolic campus in southwestern Virginia and walking into a German class?
A French class? A class on Zen Buddhism? One on pacifism?
In all ways, we have to fight the madness. And that, by the way, does not include ignoring the madness. NBC and other news outlets had every right to show the insane ramblings of the lunatic who did this. It was too newsworthy to ignore.
GE >>> pk
b. After this week, not that it amounts to a hill of beans of a difference in this crazy world, I've decided not to mention Barry Bonds' name in this column. Just my own little silent protest, because every fiber in me tells me he cheated to get the most hallowed record in sports.
I know that he cheated mostly from the fibers that connect my eyes to my brain, but if my lower intestine wants to weigh in on this one, I won't complain.
c. Enlightening story about the enigmatic Manny Ramirez by Ben McGrath in this week's New Yorker. I'm still anti-Manny for how he dogged it so blatantly at the end of last season, basically sitting out a month for some reason known only to him. McGrath's conclusion, it seems to me, is that Manny's an oddball simpleton. Anyone who names his first two sons Manny Jr. has to be pretty odd.
Actually, I was a little disappointed in that article. And at least Manny hasn't named all his kids George.
d. It's amazing to see all of these kids Mary Beth King played sports with and against now entering the workaday world. Good luck in your job search out of Penn State, Kaitlyn Sweeney. Remember the classic Montclair-Cedar Grove softball games, with Mary Beth paired against Kaitlyn in the circle? (You probably don't. But I'll never forget them.) She'll graduate with a 3.8 GPA in public relations next month. I've read her stuff, and it should take her about 10 minutes to get a great gig somewhere.
Not even ten minutes with the imprimatur of PK the First. ESPN Classic will be showing a marathon of the above softball games later this week.
<>Oh, and a 3.8 in public relations—don’t start building that parade float quite yet, good people of Montclair, New Jersey.
e. Saw Blades of Glory. My guess is that I laughed uproariously 10 times, mostly at Will Ferrell's understated lines. Like, after the two men skate in a competition in Denver and are getting cheered wildly, Ferrell semi-mutters, "Love you, Denver ... city by the bay.'' I think a movie is worth $9 if it makes you laugh hard 10 times.
I guess it's all in the delivery.
f. I like the way Jason Whitlock thinks.
That's pretty deep for a think-i-think. Think about it.
g. Coffeenerdness: Back to two lattes a day. Trying to wean myself off, and get back to one latte and one giant green tea. Stop me before I sin through the offseason. The bottom line: The triple grande hazelnut latte, done right, is an art form.
He's right. I remember a great triple grande latte exhibit at the Uffizi when I was there. Oddly enough, viewing the hazelnut latte cost 42 Eurocents more than viewing the maple latte (item 10e), but I did get to see the iconic Magritte masterpiece La trahison des images des cafe (you know, the one that's captioned "Ceci n'est pas une triple grande hazelnut latte").
And I know that the Uffizi isn’t especially likely to have assembled the fictitious modernist exhibit that I mention, but I like the sound of Uffizi. I am, however, willing to take suggestions of a museum that better fits that joke.
h. We'll catch up on The Sopranos either Tuesday morning or next week. Couldn't miss Matsuzaka on Sunday night.
And neither could the Yankees. Zing!
i. Chances are you know someone with an autistic child. I know a few, and they're trying to raise money for autism research by asking people to watch a Five For Fighting music video online. If you click on this link and watch this video, you'll be generating 49 cents for autism research, so please do it if you have the time.
How about I pay someone not to watch it?
And a nice little meta-comment to finish on.
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