The Hiatus is Over (HPP's at least)

We all know that taking potshots at PK isn’t especially difficult, but taking potshots at offseason PK just seems cruel (not 8th-Amendment or rape-stand cruel, but a little too cruel for me. And too easy.) But, with the advent of the new football year (and two games on NBC for PK to pimp), let’s get started with another season fellating Favre, crushing Carr, and maligning Moss (remember that trade that couldn’t work out no matter how well Moss plays? After Randy’s performance yesterday, we may have a great test of that bizarre dictum.)

"Aren't you glad it's finally football season? I am.''
-- New England quarterback Tom Brady, after his eighth NFL season began successfully in New Jersey on Sunday.

Yes, Tom now has a good excuse for evading the mother of his child. (Incidentally, he’s one of the very, very few Michigan grads who have uttered that statement in the last eight days.)

The opener of the NFL season has become an American holiday. You can feel it just like Brady, can't you?

Ah yes, the first Thursday of September, when the Pilgrims made some important advance toward eradicating North America’s indigenous population. And I know that the NFL is a corporate behemoth of prodigious proportions (even for a behemoth), but don’t NFL types already petition (in jest or not) for declaring the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday (I just wrote a twelve-dollar check to Roger Goodell for typing that) to be a national holiday? Now they’re just making shit up, like the Chinese with their “New Year” or the Jews with their Yom Kippur. (Okay, let’s head off any charges of prejudism. One, the Chinese New Year joke is pretty much lifted from The Simpsons. Two, the Yom Kippur joke is a running punch line in my head from the time when my high school calculus teacher gave to one of the only two Jewish kids in school—the other was his younger brother—an incredulous—and incredible—grilling about this “Yom Kippur” for which he was missing a test. And I just read Portnoy’s Complaint.)

We don't know much about Everett. He is 25, a third-round pick out of Miami in 2005. His pro career has had a dark cloud over it from the first day. During his first mini-camp practice, he suffered a knee injury that required reconstructive surgery and ended his rookie year before it began. He started four games and played in 16 last year, ending up almost like Moonlight Graham. Everett caught one pass for one yard. Now this.

I don’t mean to be crass (this paragraph comes after several describing what might prove to be a catastrophic spinal injury to Kevin Everett), but playing in 16 games is nothing like the career of Moonlight Graham, who played one inning in the field and was on deck once in a Major League game.

Bruce Smith was at the stadium Sunday, celebrating Steve Tasker's entrance onto the Bills' Wall of Fame. I remember Smith once telling me that he was sacrificing his body so that so many people in future generations of his family could have good lives. I'm sure he has body parts that hurt in the morning when he rolls out of bed, but there he was Sunday, at 44, standing and applauding Tasker. We watch these games and hope the Everett stories never happen, but they do -- on all levels of football. There's little else to say, other than this from Jauron that so many of you will echo: "We're all hoping and praying for a great outcome.''

The first part about Bruce Smith seems like a non-sequitur except for its oblique admission that football trades on the lives of its participants for a lot of money at the very highest levels. Yet another reason why we’re all glad that it’s finally football season.
The key headlines from Week 1:

1. The NFC stinks.

Aren’t you glad it’s finally AFC football season?

We still have the same questions about Rex Grossman. We still don't know if the Saints' defense can hold up. We still don't know if the Eagles can walk and chew gum offensively at the same time. And Seattle? Who knows? They could well be better than the '05 team that advanced to the Super Bowl, but who can get excited about the 'Hawks now?

Yes, I am definitely glad that it’s finally AFC football season.

2. The Patriots are going to be an aerial show bordering on Indy's style this year. The most impressive thing, by far, in the Pats' 38-14 drubbing of their arch-rivals, the Jets, was not the rebirth of Randy Moss. (Though that was impressive enough, obviously.)

Of course Randy’s renaissance isn’t the most impressive thing—that can’t work out no matter the outcome. And “impressive enough” for what, Peter? For what?

Brady is going to make beautiful music with Moss, but remember one thing about the way Brady plays and the way Bill Belichick coaches: They don't go out of their way to funnel the ball to any one receiver, and I can promise you they won't make Moss a 1,700-yard, 21-TD guy. Brady will spray the ball around.

He just can’t let Randy Moss succeed. Also, take a guess at what the all-time record is for receiving touchdowns in a season: 22. And, if Belichick thinks that throwing to Randy all damn game will him the best chance to win, he’ll probably do that if he’s the coach that he is purported to be.

Certainly Brady knows not to ignore Moss. But if the Chargers whack the tar out of the wiry receiver early next week, don't think for a second that Brady won't switch to Wes Welker or Donte' Stallworth. It's a hallmark of the Pats, who think stars are all well and good, but not necessary to have in great quantities in order to win.
Except that the Pats tried to do the no-name, receivers-on-the-cheap thing last year, a strategy that didn’t work out well. And what are “great quantities” of stars? Under the NFL’s salary cap, how many starts can one team have? The Colts have two, for example.

3. Three games ended on a walkoff or near-walkoff field goal in a six-minute real-time span just after 4 p.m. Washington's Shaun Suisham and Green Bay rookie Mason Crosby kicked winners at about 4:09 and 4:14, respectively, and then there was the mayhem on the field in Buffalo.

If this made the week’s key headlines, I can’t wait for the Stat(s) of the Week and Factoid(s) of the Week that May Interest Only Peter King.

Amazing finish [to the Broncos/Bills game, which Elam ended with a field goal attempt made in complete disarray]. I don't remember the last time I saw a finish of a game decided by a field goal that I'd call exciting. But this game was. "Games like this are why people love pro football,'' said Elam.

PK’s right. Games that end in field goal attempts are never exciting. Like this one, or this one, or this one [pats]. And screw the NFL for shutting down YouTube on some clips.

It's about as bittersweet a game as you'll ever see. Thrilling in the ending, tragic in the middle.

An emotional Oreo. (Interestingly enough, I could probably create, market, distribute, and sell a product called Emotional Oreos, and Nabisco would give me less static than the NFL gives to groups of twelve watching the Super Bowl on big screen televisions.)

Hey, remember the Fine Fifteen?

1. Indianapolis (1-0). Holding the Saints' offense to three points is something like American League pitchers holding A-Rod to a 1-for-26 week.

An odd analogy, but at least it's one that could be easily investigated for accuracy.

2. New England (1-0). Stats for Brady's new toys (Moss, Welker, Stallworth) in the steamrolling of the Jets: 16 catches, 263 yards, two touchdowns. By the way, Brady has played the Jets seven times at the Meadowlands. He's 7-0.

This isn’t the SotW or the FotWTMIOPK, either? I am about to pee on myself.

4. Baltimore (0-0). "Offensively,'' Brian Billick says, "we've got the best mix we've ever had. Ever. This time last year Steve McNair's head was swimming. Now he knows his options so much better.''

So did McNair skip practices last year because of Swimmy Head?

5. Chicago (0-1). Held LaDainian Tomlinson to 25 yards on 17 carries. Played gallantly on defense for 40 minutes, and in spots in the fourth quarter. But that offense has to be better, which might be the most obvious Week 1 NFL statement of them all.

Too bad their offense so frequently plays goofusly.

6. Pittsburgh (1-0). Good to see you back, Ben.

After all the gushing about Everett, we have to pretend that Rothelswhatever didn’t damn-near kill himself by being stupid?

8. Denver (1-0). Jay Cutler had a nice opener -- 23 of 39, 309 yards, one touchdown and one pick -- but he'll be challenged more with the physical D's of Oakland and Jacksonville coming up ... followed by the lightning--quick defense of the Colts.

Probably true, but small sample size on the Colts.

9. New Orleans (0-1). Not saying the Saints deserve a mulligan for zero touchdowns in 12 possessions, but Drew Brees won't be that bad again, and that offensive line won't be that leaky.

Is “leaky” an unfortunate choice for team based in New Orleans?

11. Carolina (1-0). Jake lives.

Yes, because what a catastrophe if David Carr had to play for the Panthers, right, Peter?

12. Dallas (1-0). Tony Romo's career did not end when he muffed the field-goal snap at Seattle. That was pretty obvious Sunday night.

I could tell from seeing a guy named Romo playing football for the Cowboys? How else was it obvious?

13. Jacksonville (0-1). How can a team with Jacksonville's defensive front get pushed around and surrender 282 rushing yards?

What did he just say about the Broncos’ next few games?

14. Buffalo (0-1). The Bills looked a whole lot more like the second-best team in the AFC East than the Jets did Sunday.

And that’s what they can engrave on the team trophies given out at the Bills' Pizza Hut-sponsored team party in December.

15. Detroit (1-0). Come on. Give the Leos a break. Might be the last time they'll be in this weekly grouping of teams all year.

This is like Spurrier voting for Duke in the Coaches’ Poll.

"We got the 'Brady sucks' thing going on after we beat 'em 38-14. Only in the Meadowlands.''

-- Tom Brady, standing on the field at the Meadowlands and talking via a headset with CBS after the Patriots overwhelmed the Jets 38-14. An hour later he added, "That's why I love playing in New York."

Well, that and the pussy.

QotW III
"Do I hate the preseason? Yeah. But is it a necessary evil? Yeah.''
-- Baltimore coach Brian Billick.

Billick is such a genius that he has to have conversations with himself.

QotW IV
"I am fine. I made my statement. Nothing else needs to be said.''
-- A text message from New England strong safety Rodney Harrison in rebuffing an interview request last week, as he served the first week of a four-week suspension for HGH use, a violation of the NFL's substance-abuse policy.

Rodney Harrison types his text messages in complete sentences and without text slang? OMG!

QotW V
"David Garrard is physically more capable in every aspect of the game, and it's not even close.''
-- CBS NFL analyst Phil Simms, on his feelings that the Jaguars made the right call in choosing Garrard over Byron Leftwich at quarterback, on New York sports-talk station WFAN's Sunday morning NFL show with Mike Francesa.

Then what the hell took Jack del Rio so long to jettison Leftwich?

Defensive Player of the Week

Mario Williams, Houston DE. We used to poke fun at Williams during the NBC Football Night in America show, since the Texans made such an ... ahem ... interesting decision drafting him over Reggie Bush and Vince Young.

Our first official GE>>pk moment of the new season. This is more obnoxious than when someone unsubtly and without cause name-drops his alma mater.

Special Teamers of the Week

Ellis Hobbs, New England CB, for turning a classic "WHAT THE #$#&*(@# IS THIS IDIOT DOING!'' moment, when he fielded a kickoff eight yards deep in the end zone, to a "WHAT A BRILLIANT DECISION!'' moment. The 108-yard kickoff return was the longest in NFL history, and cemented the Patriots' 37-14 win.

Too bad no one shouted, “Fuck the Heck!?”

Jarrett Bush, Green Bay CB. The gunner on the Packers' first punt of the season, who slammed into Eagle punt-returner Greg Lewis -- the first such return of Lewis' career -- to force a muff (funny word, but that's what it's called when you don't have full possession of a punt or kick and it gets knocked away from you). The ball skittered into the end zone, where the Pack recovered for the first points in an unlikely 16-13 win.

Muff is a funny word, and is PK getting some adolescent-level jollies in by drawing such conspicuous attention to it? Also, this play was the worst blown call of the day; the interference with the returner was ridiculous.

Note: In my home town is a muffler repair shop named (wait for it) the Muff Doctor, which it proclaims in six-foot yellow letters on its storefront.

Goat of the Week

Jason David, New Orleans CB. He defined the word "goat'' with the way he played at Indianapolis. Beaten in coverage for three touchdowns by Peyton Manning, David spent three hours showing Saints GM Mickey Loomis and coach Sean Payton they might have made a very large mistake in rewarding him with a $16-million free-agent contract. The most worrisome thing: David practiced against Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne every day for three seasons. And with the exception of the strip-and-fumble-return-for-touchdown in the first half, it looked like David had never seen either receiver before.

Remember when PK insisted that TO was the GotW after TO spit on someone and neither he nor the Cowboys received any penalty except a fine? This is the opposite of that. (Except that he did outscore the Saints’ offense)

SotW I

Ohboyohboyohboyohboyohboyohboyohboyohboy!

"How many games has Brett played, anyway?'' Dan Marino asked the other day.

Fuck.

The answer, 148 words later by the way, is a lot. Also, PK devoted another column (comprising 530 words and four fairly involved tables) to basically the same thing on Tuesday.

FotWTMIOPK

The first completion of Favre's career was to Favre. He caught a deflected pass at the line of scrimmage for a seven-yard loss at Tampa Bay.

Change the name of this one to FotWoS131992TMIOPK: Factoid of the week of September 13, 1992 that May Interest Only Peter King.

I think that I am sick and fucking tired of Brett Favre, but what does Peter think he thinks?

g. Wait -- give me a separate category [of teams that should be “ridiculously depressed” after the first week] for Cleveland. What I wonder after watching chunks of that game is, how can you work for an entire training camp and look like that? "If the gamut runs from A to Z,'' GM Phil Savage said last night, "that was a Z.'' Maybe a letter doesn't exist for what that was.

Get Dr. Seuss on the case.

On why the Browns shouldn’t play Brady Quinn early in the season:

Look, the Browns know this season's a wash. Frye got sacked five times in the first 23 minutes against Pittsburgh. Do you want the kid shellshocked in September, or do you want him to play after he's had more than 92 snaps (the real number) with the first unit since he signed his contract?

Aren’t you glad it’s finally football season?

On to the stuff that PK “thinks” he liked in week 1

b. Eli Manning. He played with poise and hit his open receivers with the kind of accuracy (28-of-41, .683) he'll need this season if the Giants are to have a chance to wins shootouts with good teams. They're going to need to do that, because that secondary looks awful.

Good luck on the 68% completion percentage. Last year’s league leader, by the way, was the truly shittastic David Carr with, that’s right, 68.3%.

j. Against a much-improved St. Louis defensive front, Carolina rushed for 186 yards, and a lofty 4.9 yards per rush. John Fox is going to be off that very warm seat in a hurry if the Panthers continue to run the ball like that.

Carolina’s yds/carry last year: 3.9 (20th in the league). Good luck.

k. Ben Roethlisberger played with the confidence and the verve and the accuracy of two years ago. Not many people looked better in Week 1 than Big Ben.

Five quarterbacks currently have higher passer ratings than Ben.

7. I think this is what I didn't like about Week 1:

a. The Saints' cover-ability on Colts TE Dallas Clark. You defensive coaches down there do much scouting?

Is something wrong with the word coverage now?

b. Steve Jackson lost two fumbles last year. He lost two fumbles in the first 37 minutes of this season.

Fumbling is his fault. Losing them, not so much.

f. Terence Newman's going to be plagued with that plantar fasciatis for the entire year. It caused him to be inactive against the Giants. When your secondary loses its best player, get ready for some tough weeks. Good thing the Cowboys face the aerially challenged Dolphins and Bears the next two weeks.

Plantar fasciitis sucks unbelievably bad. Plantar fasciatis, I’m not so familiar with.

8. I think Randy Moss is going to be one of the compelling stories of this season. He had a what-did-you-expect attitude after the game. The answer to that is, we had no idea what to expect. Said Moss: "Before today, because I was hurt, Tom didn't have all his toys to play with. Now that he does, the sky's the limit for him.'' If Moss has 14 relatively healthy games, there is going to be a great football team ... and I mean great, that gets eliminated before the AFC championship weekend.

Peter is actually using the royal we. I knew what to expect: Randy Moss is awesome. Also, why is Peter worried about expecting anything? The trade can’t work eve if it does.

9. I think these are my college football thoughts of the weekend:

a. I thought there was something fishy about calling that Michigan loss to Appalachian State the biggest upset in college football history. The reason everyone called it that is because Michigan was ranked fifth in the polls, and Appalachian was a Division I-AA team. But what kind of poll is taken seriously when it rates teams before they've played a game? A bunch of sportswriters call Michigan the fifth-best team in the country, and when the Wolverines lose, it's an upset, obviously. But at the start of a season, no result can be the biggest upset of all time. And now that Oregon walked into Ann Arbor and kicked the dog out of Michigan, it's certainly not even in the top 20 of upsets. Michigan might stink.

b. Oregon's total yards in its 39-7 win at Michigan: 624.

I told you that Michigan fans aren’t glad that it’s football season. How disappointing that the Michigan game is now hurting App. State's strength of schedule.

e. Notre Dame (0-2) does not have a relative gimme until Navy in Game 9, with Michigan, Michigan State, Purdue, UCLA, Boston College and USC in the next six weeks. The Irish, 30- and 21-point losers in the first two weeks, can't start 0-8. Can they?

I wouldn’t think so.

f. The Irish have 22 first downs in eight quarters.

I’m starting to think so.

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

I wish that I were kidding when I say that this will likely be the high point of my week.

a. Coffeenerdness: We have a barista in the family. Mary Beth King is spending part of her senior year tending coffee bar at The Barge at Colgate. She and her roomies seem to be staging a mini-boycott of the Starbucks in the spanking-new library on campus. Seems they're partial to Green Mountain Coffee, and don't want Starbucks in town.

Mary Beth King: a regular Alex Portnoy the way she vexes her father. (Yeah, I don’t read many books.) Talk to me, Peter, when she wrangles a three-way with an Italian prostitute and a hillbilly model from West Virginia.

b. I don't understand Fashion Week.

What is Fashion Week?

d. Hard to imagine a baseball player playing better for five months than Alex Rodriguez is. What a year.

Yep, he is very awesome; however, his OPS+ is currently 190 (totally badass), which puts his season in a tie for 95th among Major League single-season OPS+’s.

e. One of the great things about living in New Jersey is the 946 Italian restaurants you pass as you go through your life over the years, and one day you pass one and say, "I should really try this place,'' and then you try it. And you see it looks like a place where The Sopranos should shoot if they ever shoot again, and you have one heck of a meal, and you think, "How could anyone ever criticize New Jersey life?''

Organized Crime: A Feather in the Cap of New Jersey.

Bonus PK from MMQBTE

PK is talking about teams hurt by injuries in the first week of the season:

3. Dallas. Write this down: You don't get better from a plantar fascia injury by playing football, or by hurrying it.

I wonder if Peter doesn’t say plantar fasciitis here because he misspelled it on Monday. Oddly enough, he uses biceps correctly as singular a few lines down.

Onto PK’s readers:

From George of Boston: "How much do you attribute Steven Jackson's fumble to him not playing in the preseason? And LaDainian Tomlinson's bad first half, was it the Bears or him sitting out the pre-season as well and not being acclimated to game speed and contact? Thanks.''

I don't think either are due to not playing in the preseason. Carolina and Chicago have two of the most physical front-sevens in football, and Jackson and Tomlinson were going to get beat up anyway. Tomlinson had 131 yards in his 2006 season-opener, and Jackson had 121 yards in his last year. I don't buy the inactivity bothering them.

Okay, this answer really frustrates me because PK just spent the first page of this column describing the terrible injury problems to three teams. Even if those fumbles were attributable to inactivity in the preseason (which should be statistically testable in some way), surely sitting out the preseason, thus diminishing the risk of injury and wear to a franchise back, mitigates to some degree the heightened risk (if it exists) of fumbling early in the season.

From Danny Bouchard of Quebec: "Watched the Pats-Jets game yesterday, and I think the Pats are going to miss Corey Dillon. Maroney doesn't seem to be the back to physically beat the opposing defense in the red zone. Just too much dancing behind his O-line. Do you see Sammy Morris carrying the load in third down and red zone situations? Or a lot of Ben Watson near the goal line? You can't wipe out Dillon's 15 TDs just like that.''

Great point, Danny. I always thought one of the biggest acquisitions of the offseason was Morris, because he's the kind of big, tough (and inexpensive) back they lost in Dillon. Before the end of the year, the Patriots will get plenty of use (and, I believe, seven or eight touchdowns) from Morris.

Okay, I’ll be fair: PK has praised the Pats’ offseason moves all spring and summer (oh, except that one that can’t work out no matter what), and he has listed Sammy Morris among those moves, but at no point has he said anything approximating “I always thought one of the biggest acquisitions of the offseason was Morris.” Really, I just checked the archives.

HERE'S A QUESTION EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW. From Devin of New York: "Why does every quarterback have a green sticker on the back of his helmet this year?''

The helmets that have the green dots are the helmets with quarterback-to-coach communication ability.

Jesus, people. It’s called a search engine.

Excised from Devin’s question: “Oh yeah, one more thing: what was the final score of the Cardinals/49ers game? I couldn’t stay up to the end.”

Aren't you glad it's finally football season?